A IS FOR APPLES
by
John Bilsborough 2002

Now, Adam was a gardener, and a busy man was he
In Eden's green and pleasant land, contented as can be.
Then, one day, God came mooning round, to cadge some brussels sprouts.
'I'll tell you what, then, Adam lad, when you get them cabbage out,

I'd like to plant a Granny Smith, now there's no need to look cross.'
'There's no such things as grannies yet,' says Adam, 'look here, boss,
I'm on a six day week in here and apples aren't in't plan,
So either you roll up your sleeves or fetch me one as can.

'You know, it's rather lonesome, doing all this, on me tod.
There's more to life than gardening...'
'Then I'll tell you what,' says God.
'If you want a lad to help you out, weekends and after school,
I can always find a cherub... they're quite helpful, as a rule.'

A bit of Work Experience, I'll see what I can find...'
'Well, I don't mind saying, Man to God, that it's not what I'd in mind.'
Well, next week, God comes bouncing back: Now, sithee lad,' says he,
'I'd quite a lot of useful bits, left o'er from making thee...

So I'd like to introduce you to my Prototype Mark Two...
Er, them corn on't cob look rather nice, could you happen spare a few?
Oh, one thing more - I've found a spot to put me apple tree.
So help yourself to what you like but them apples are for me.'

So, Eve moved in, and Adam delved and nothing went amiss
in Eden's green and pleasant land and life was nupial bliss.
One day, when God popped round again, to cadge a sprig of mint,
The talk got round to dinners and he dropped a broadish hint...

'Aye, why not stay?' says Adam, 'We can stretch it round to three.
Though it's nobbut plain home cooking...' 'Well', says God, 'that's right by me.
Ey... if I asked Eve, d'you think she'd happen make an apple pie?
I'll just nip up and pick a few... Nay, Adam, my, oh, my!

Nay nay, tut tut, come come, now then! Who's carved this on me tree?
Two lovers' hearts! Entwingled! And what's this here? A loves E!'
Well, if you've seen the film, or read the book, you'll know what's what.
They got their marching orders, their P45s, the lot.

Though they did their best to tell him it was all a big mistake.
'That's just like you,' said God, 'to go and blame it on a snake.
You can go and raise cain, for all I care!' 'Oh, well,' says Eve, 'Bye-bye,
'But I'll tell you this,' she added with a wink, 'It's better than apple pie!'
The end