fifty thousand excitable Romans,
settled down and behaved... as you would.

First came music and singing and dancing about,
then a bit of an organised brawl
final score: Romans, 15 , Barbarians, nowt,
and the Empress says "Well. Is this all?

Is this best they can do? That was dreadful!
That was awful, pathetic, shambolic!
We've had bloody barbarians by't shed-full!
Really, this is a right load of frolics.

What's next? Giant crocodiles? Tedious!
Eating Christians? Oh, don't make me laugh.
They're weeny, they're weaky, they're weedy as...
Then what? A pair of giraffe,

versus Babel's Barbarian Bowmen
shooting arrows and wrestling in mud!
Fifty thousand excitable Romans,
all chanting and baying for blood...

won't be happy with them sort of antics,
nor second-hand rejects from't zoo.
They prefer things more... gory? More... frantic?
There's only one thing that'll do.
  And that's lions. You know that. Round here,
they're really the sine qua non.
Have we got any lions?" "Well, yes, dear,
Well, leastways, we have got the one...

I had it sent over from Gaul, dear,"
and the Empress says, "Huh! Just the one?"
"Still, it's better than no lions at all, dear,
so it's chop-chop, there, chaps, get 'em on!"

And the jailer, who keeps a keen eye on
all the victims stood waiting their cue,
says "Right! Next! Someone fighting a lion...
Hey Androckles, sunshine, that's you..."

And they marched him, on, up from the basement,
and gave him a prod with their spears,
Androwcles gawped round in amazement -
The crowd gave some half-hearted cheers,

A fanfare rang out from the trumpets, (ta-ra)
the Emp-e-ror waved to the crowd,
his raft of imperial strumpets
smiled their sweetest, and Androcles bowed...

And the crowd roared and shouted and chanted
"Vide! Dulce et Day-corum est"
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