MONKEY
by
John Bilsborough,
Uncle Jack found himself at a Meeting
in a public house, one afternoon.
"If you want a good stunt for your May day" says he,
"Why not send up a man to the moon?"
So, that was agreed, all excepting
they needed a keen volunteer,
so they pinned up a notice, wi't details,
and a space saying "Put your name here."
Then they sat back and waited... and waited.
There was nobody wanted the job.
There was only one chap volunteered, as such -
That were Elsie's aunt's cousin's friend, Bob.
The Committee were not overwhelmed with deight.
Their feelings were lucidly clear...
"Nay, bloody 'ell, can't we do better nor that!"
You fell off your bike getting here!"
"You can't find your way around Woolworths,
let alone the vast eons of Space.
You don't know your Earth from Uranus,
You'd have us end up in disgrace!"
Uncle Jack says "Well, I have a monkey,
as can beat our Elsie at Snap.
All it needs is a bunch of bananas,
a packet of nuts and a map.
I can teach it to press all the buttons,
and though I'll not get it to speak,
I can teach it Sign Language. I reckon wi' that,
we'll be ready inside of a week."
So, that were decided, and rocket were got,
from a Government Surplus Bazaar,
and they laid on a band, and the rain, and some speeches,
a black pudding stall and a bar.
And the crowds crowded in to see what they could see,
and the Mayor read a speech what he'd wrote,
and nobody minded it didn't make sense,
'cos he thowt he were launching a boat.
Then the Lady Mayoress pulled the handle.
With a flash and a fart and a cough,
and a rattle, a bang and an earsplitting clang,
and a boom and a zoom, it were off!
Like a bird, like a bullet, a bat out of Hull,
it soared through the air... for a bit...
then a gasp, and a phutt! and a shower of soot,
and the Lady Mayoress said: "Oh... Spit!"
There was nothing much left of the rocket.
There was nothing much left of our shed.
But there, perched on top of all't rubble,
were the monkey, sat scratching its head.
You could see it were cross. Wouldn't you be?
It were tragic! Unseemly! Absurd!
But Uncle Jack, never a one to say quit,
stepped forward and quite undeterred,
"Welcome Back!" he says, "Cosmic Explorer!
from the vast empty whatsits of Space!
Have you brought us a message?" It gave him a nod,
and a strange, enigmatic grimace.
It threw out its arms, wide and singed-like,
then like it were dealing a pack...
(I told you it used to play cards with our Elsie,)
then it turned round, to face Uncle Jack!
And it paused, and it shook all its fingers,
then waggled just two at the crowd,
then it pointed right down at its feet and just smiled
at me poor Uncle Jack. And it bowed.
Then it did it again, sithee, this, this and this.
Then that and that. "Well, I suppose,"
says my uncle, "I reckon you all want to know,
what the Message is. Well, here goes...
I've worked it all out. (maybe you have),
though it's nothing I'd care to repeat,
translated, in words we can all understand,
it says "Big! Deal! Ten! Effin! Feet!" |
