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THE
COMPANY MEETING
by
John Tilley
LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, Shareholders of the United Spelter Pigiron, Tin
Whistle and Brass Bottling Company Limited, I hope I can call
you friends. I need hardly say how happy I am to be with you
here to-night, presiding at your Annual General Meeting, and
I hope that proceedings will proceed as proceedings proceeded
in preceding years, and I think, as President without precedent,
I can say . . . I hope you understand what I am talking about.
. . . It doesn't very much matter if you don't, because I think
we are quite in order if we take jt as read. Mr. Harris . .
. are we in order if we take that as read ? Yes, your secretary,
Mr. Harris, says you can take it as red, blue, or green, or
any colour you like. Just take whatever you like; your directors
have been doing that for several years now.
Now as this is our Annual General Meeting, we have had the usual
budget of insulting anonymous letters sent to the directors.
I am only so sorry that they are not here in person to answer
them, but as you know, the police have been very active lately,
and several of them find it very hard to leave. However, I have
communicated with them in the various places they are, and if
there are any anonymous letter-writers here this evening, if
you would take this as the only intimation of reply, you will
be helping your directors very considerably.
Now Lord Gripewater, writing from Gripewater Towers, in reply
to " Ex-Service " man, wishes to say that he denies the allegations
in the letter, and that he, Lord Gripewater, is not in the least
bit windy. And Colonel Boomer, writing from Boomer Court, in
reply to " Doubtful," wishes emphatically to state that in his
autobiography, the term second division is a purely military
one, and in any case it is Scrubbs and not Shrubs.
I am sure you will be sorry to hear that Lady Bargain is unable
to be with us to-night. As you know, she was a foundation shareholder
in one of our subsidiary companies. She lost most of her fortune
with us, poor lady. She is unable to be with us through some
little forgetfulness in one of the London stores, as I understand
she is now under lock and key, and I think it might be a kindly
action on our part if we sent her a letter of congratulation
on the way she has lived up to the old bargain motto, "Help
Yourself." We'll have a show of hands on that afterwards.
Now with regard to the Annual- General Report. There were four
copies sent out altogether. As you know, we are rather short
of stationery. I think I am right, Mr. Harris1, in saying four
copies ? Yes. Two without stamps and two without envelopes,
and if I hose shareholders who have received a copy would prrliupN
lie good enough to read it over to the other ilcTs who are not
so lucky, they would be lii helping their directors very considerably.
Now we can congratulate ourselves upon the fact that the report
is very much louder this year than last. The main feature, of
course, is the Debenture Issue of last week, secured on the
office furniture. This is to rank pari-passu with the regurgitating
Debenture Issue of last year, secured on the office gas-meter.
But as you know, that particular issue was not the success we
had hoped for, as the mortgagees, the Gas Light and Coke Company,
foreclosed on the meter when they came to cut off the supply.
. . . Well, we needn't go into those details now.
But in spite of these setbacks, I do feel we can offset the
setbacks by the very real economies we have accomplished in
the office—because we are now running the office without gas
and without furniture. A further gesture towards economy has
been made by your directors when it was decided at their private
meeting to move the entire office into the passage. This, however,
has not yet been confirmed.
We can congratulate ourselves upon the fact that our ordinary
shares have never been so cheap as they have been in the open
market to-day. The price is ridiculously low, and in comparison
with the very expensive shares of other companies I do feel
that we have answered a public demand for a really cheap share
at a really cheap price.
Your directors have decided not to issue a balance sheet this
year. We find it only encourages creditors.
The Profit and Loss Account. Mr. Harris . . . have you got a
copy of the Profit and Loss Account . . . What ... We daren't
. . . This puts me in a very awkward position, you know. Ladies
and gentlemen, I am afraid there is no copy of the Profit and
Loss Account. It is a very one-sided document, anyway. I feel
we would be quite in order if we take it as read; we did with
all the subsidiary companies, Mr. Harris. Yes, we will take
it as read. It is not worth bothering about really.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, although we have so little to show,
we also have very little to hide. In fact, there is very little
of anything, and that is the difficulty. There is, however,
one bright spot in our year's trading, and that is the splendid
sales drive of Mr. Dwindle, our head salesman, who has pushed
forward in conjunction with our zinc factory in South Wales.
With his staff of thirty expert salesmen, he has sold two one-ounce
pots of zinc ointment to two separate and well-known firms of
retail chemists; well . . . when I say sold, perhaps I should
say sale or return. But although we have had the zinc ointment
back, I do feel Mr. Dwindle has struck a very real blow for
the firm's zinc interest in South Wales. I think we could rightly
say it was a Crusade in Zinc Ointment.
I cannot conclude the meeting without passing a vote of thanks
to the office staff. He is getting on in years now, and I am
sure he would be glad of anything that was passed his way. Some
shareholder wrote in about arrears of salary, and I would like
to say that only last week his directors presented him with
a silver teapot. Well, when I say silver—a good strong teapot.
And now all there remains for me to do is to read your auditors'
report. As you know, the auditors are Liphook, Liphook, Dogsbody
& Liphook. They are automatically up for re-election this year,
and as they are one of the most unreliable firms in the City
we will no doubt re-elect them. We'll have a show of hands on
that afterwards. In their report they say that this report is
correct in every detail with the exception of the figures. But
in their opinion, business, if any, is on the incline, which
I think you will agree is a very favourable thing for any firm
of auditors to say in these difficult times. If I may be allowed
to conclude this meeting with a metaphor, I would remind you
of the man who built his house upon the sand, and the man who
built his house upon the rocks, because this firm is not only
built on the rock, but is deeply embedded in the rocks, and
everything about this firm is of good report and sound and secure. |
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