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LAYING
THE FOUNDATION-STONE OF THE COTTAGE HOSPITAL
by
John Tilley
LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, we are gathered here to-day on the happy and
auspicious occasion of laying the foundation-stone of the new
cottage hospital that has been so kindly promised to the village
by Lady Bargain. An occasion so happy and so auspicious that
for sheer happiness and downright auspicious-ness I cannot recall
an occasion more auspicious or more happy since the salvage
operations after the fire at the Brewery last year. I am only
sorry her Ladyship is unable to be with us to-day, but you may
not know that her Ladyship was only let out this morning, and
the doctor of the home told me in confidence that she may find
the strain of financing the hospital too much for her, as she
is still very busy with the three cathedrals, the railway station
and the ornamental bathing-pool which she promised to the Mayor
of Peacehaven before she was actually certified—well, earlier
on in the year. I daresay that some of the more critical members
of my audience may think it a little peculiar that there is
no foundation-stone here to lay, but as a matter of fact the
contractor has turned rather nasty, because he holds that if
Lady Bargain can't pay cash for the foundation-stone, he doesn't
stand much chance for the rest of the building. But that is
his affair, and I am here in my capacity as Mayor to perform
the ceremony, stone or no stone, especially as this is the first
opportunity I have had of donning my new mayoral robes; the
old ones, as you know, were very badly torn during the rush
after the fire at the Brewery last year. Now it is her Ladyship's
wish that the hospital should be as comfortable as possible,
and both draught and bottle beer will be served in the observation
ward during the usual licence hours, and out-patients will be
admitted on payment of a small fee. Her Ladyship particularly
wishes the younger generation to co-operate with her in keeping
the hospital as quiet and peaceful as possible, and she wishes
all young people to refrain from throwing stones at the operating-theatre
windows during the times of operation, and to facilitate this
she is arranging for a red light to appear over the porch when
operating is in progress ; so when you see the light—no stones,
if you please.
I may say that the dietary of the hospital will be of the finest,
and I am myself supplying a choice line of tinned salmon which,
ladies and gentlemen, it may interest you to know, I am selling
at my Emporium in the High Street at the very low price of 7d.
and 5d. per tin, pink and red, whichever you prefer. It was
early in my career as a Grocerian that I realized that tinned
salmon is to the Grocery Industry what gold is to the Mint,
and I look back on the day when I realized this fact as the
day when I first put my rung on the ladder that climbs up the
feet of success, and as you know, I have spent a lot of time
studying the habits and habitants of this succulent and elusive
denizen of the deep in its river haunts, and I should like to
take this opportunity of announcing that the nasty rumours that
have been going about to the effect that my holiday in Dartmoor
last year was for any other purpose, are, like this hospital,
entirely without foundation. But it was in the frozen North,
a prey to icebergs and starfish, that I obtained the finest
specimens of this rare food. Equipped with a diving apparatus,
I searched the bed of the ocean for many years; the longest
time I spent under water was eight months, and by this you may
gain some idea of the years of peril and perseverance that have
built up the finest Grocery Emporium in Little Dipsworthy, where
this elusive succulent denizen of the deep may be purchased
in handy form, both pink and red, at the very reasonable figure
of 7d. and 5d. per tin. You may think, ladies and gentlemen,
that I am alluding too much to my own business on this auspicious
occasion, but in the absence of a foundation-stone, you must
admit that it is rather difficult for me to say anything definite
about the hospital.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I feel I must strike a sterner
note, and in my capacity of Mayor it is my very painful duty
to protest very strongly against the pilfering that has been
going on in the Town Hall of late. We all know that several
marriages are coming forward in the early spring, and I am sure
we all wish the parties concerned every good wish that we can,
but I must say I was very surprised and hurt on visiting the
Town Hall on Thursday to find that nearly all the chairs and
tables, half the library and most of the expensive floor coverings
had been, so to speak, spirited away; and only yesterday I was
horrified to view from my mayoral residence a pantechnicon drawn
up outside the Town Hall with the reading-desk, a statue of
Lady Bargain in bronze and the new organ on it. And without
casting aspersions where they are not due, I may say that I
noticed this morning that the pipes that have been laid in the
High" Street look surprisingly like the pipes of the new organ,
and I can only ask the Town Council to return their ill-gotten
drains at the earliest possible moment. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I am sure you will realize that it is impossible for me to carry
on my high office, as Mayor if you remove my Town Hall in this
wholemeal and piecemeal way. I am only so sorry the Lady Mayoress
cannot be present on this happy occasion, but unfortunately
she met with an accident on Tuesday last, after the sewing-bee
at the King's Head. She fell down the front steps and sprained
her face, but I am glad to say she is now enjoying her usual
spirits and also that she is deriving great benefit from a special
diet of tinned salmon which, I may remind you, ladies and gentlemen,
may be purchased at my Emporium for the very low figure of 7d.
and 5d. per tin, both pink and red, whichever you prefer.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I have much pleasure in declaring
this ground well and truly prepared to receive the foundation-stone,
which I hope to have the pleasure of laying whenever Lady Bargain
can get her hands on the ready to pay for it, and I can only
say in conclusion that I hope I leave you one and all, in the
pink, at 5d. |
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