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THE
LOCH NESS MONSTER
by
John Tilley
| LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, I am the official guide to the Loch Ness Monster,
working under the auspices of the Inverness Town Council. It
is really rather interesting the way I got the post. Of course,
I have always been very interested in monsters, and my uncle
Charlie, so to speak, gave his life up to them. In fact, before
he actually went into the home the doctor told me that he had
never had a patient with such a varied assortment of monsters.
And so, as soon as I heard of the Loch Ness Monster, I wrote
to the Inverness Town Council and explained that I had studied
under my uncle Charles, and I thought that I might be a help
in classifying their monster. And I also pointed out a very
interesting thing— this controversy about the Loch Ness Monster's
wife. Well now, in a poem of Keats', the first line of the poem
the " Grecian Urn," it is definitely mentioned. He speaks of
" that still unravished bride of Quiet-Ness," and he goes on
further. He says, " A sylvan historian who can best Express"—of
course, he has actually got the name of the paper wrong. That
should be " the best Daily Mail." But that is, no doubt, poetic
license. And the Inverness Town Council was very impressed with
what I said, and as luck would have it, the gentleman who had
the post of official guide before me was dismissed at that time.
It was all rather sad, because he was making the footprints
of the monster on the shore one morning, opposite the hotel,
and he was using a crushing instrument, and unfortunately he
missed the shore altogether and struck his foot, and his description
of the monster was so vivid and comprehensive, that the minister
from the local kirk overheard him from the hotel and reported
him, and the Inverness Town Council dismissed him. The job was
vacant and" I got it—which is rather interesting. Of course,
it is the duty of the official guide to stimulate the interest
of the visitors, and so two or three times a week I go down
to the shore in front of one of the hotels that wasn't doing
so well, and take a telescope with me—look out into the centre
of the Loch and wait until a crowd is collected and then say,
"Ah, so the monster has two heads," and go back into the hotel.
And then, of course, from the visitors who came from the other
hotels to that hotel I drew commission, and that was equally
divided between the Monster, the Inverness Town Council and
myself, which was rather a happy sort of arrangement. I had
one rather difficult situation. There was a lady in the hotel
called Miss Curruthers—the rest of the guests called her the
Loch Ness Spinster— she was very interested in the Monster,
and kept asking me the most ridiculous questions about it. And
one day she said to me in the lounge of the hotel, "Are you
interested in spirits?" so I thought it was rather a funny thing
to ask me, so I said, "Yes, I am." Then she said, " Well, if
you come up to my room, I've got a bottle." Well, when I got
up to her room, I sat down, and the first thing she asked me
was, "Do you know anything about Ancient Greek history?" I thought
that was rather a peculiar thing to ask me. I said, "Well, as
a matter of fact, I do, Miss Curruthers," and so she said, "Well,
if you remember, in Ancient Greece when a monster attacked a
city they took a maiden and tied her to a post outside the city
walls and the monster came and carried her off." So I could
see which way the conversation was drifting, so I said, "Well,
Miss Curruthers, yes, I dare say they did in Ancient Greece,
but it is really rather dangerous; I mean anything might happen,"
and she said, "Yes, that's just it." And so then she said, "Would
you consider taking me down to the shores of the Loch and tying
me to a post and capturing the monster that way?" And so I said,
"If you are really bent on it, Miss Curruthers, I will." Of
course, I had heard she had been captured by savages twice,
and still very much the same. And so that evening at six o'clock
she turned up on the shores of the Loch, and I tied her to a
post, and after a little time there was a swirl in the water
and the Monster came to the surface. He took one look at her
and dived back into the Loch, and he wasn't seen up that end
for some time. And it was after this that I actually got into
communication with the Monster. It was very interesting. I was
walking along the shores of the Loch late one evening, when
I heard a noise coming from the centre of the Loch—a sort of,
"par-par-pee. . . par-par-pee. . . par-pee-par. . ." Of course,
I have been in the Scouts and was highly trained in Morse, and
I immediately recognized the Morse Code, and translated the
message. It was, " Monster calling the British Isles. Monster
calling the British Isles." So I wrapped out a message in reply,
" par-par-pee . . . par-par-pee . . . par-pee . . . par-pee-par."
I said, " I am waiting here, what shall I do ? " There was a
swirl in the water and the Monster came to the surface, and
he looked at me and started talking Morse very quickly. I translated
the message, and it was that he-was very pleased and happy in
the Loch, but unfortunately he took great exception to the Andromeda
incident, and he said, "I am very annoyed about the whole thing."
He said, " I think it is very unfair of the Inverness Town Council.
My wife has taken up a very nasty attitude about it, and I am
telling you that if this happens again I am going straight off
to Barking Creek." So I assured him that it wouldn't happen
again, and he was more or less peaceful after that. And I said
to him, " Well, Monster, how is it that you speak Morse so fluently
? " and he explained to me that they used to live in the bottom
of the Atlantic, and in the winter evenings, when there wasn't
very much to do, he used to listen in to the Atlantic cable,
and he learnt Morse that way. " And that's why I speak Morse
with an American accent." So I said, " Do you still live in
the Atlantic ? " and he said, " Well, no. As a matter of fact
my wife's health is not what it should be ; she got some sort
of bronchial trouble, and we moved into the Mediterranean, but
she was so upset with the Luxury Cruises that she said she could
never go to the surface without blushing." But they heard that
Loch Ness was vacant and moved up there. And he said he had
three children. They are at a finishing school in the Gulf of
Mexico, and won't be coming up till the next spring. And there
was one thing he told me. He was very distressed to find so
very few people really believed in him, and he said, " When
you go to London, I wonder if you would ask your audiences whether
they really believe in me ? " And I promised him I would. So
I am going to ask you now. Do you really believe in the Loch
Ness Monster ? And if you do, please lift your hands, your right
hands—above your heads. Now do you believe in the Loch Ness
Monster ? One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five .
. . let's make it the round half-dozen ... six . . . —a little
higher please— . . . six . . . Yes, that's excellent. I will
go straight home and tell him. |
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