THE LOCH NESS MONSTER
by
John Tilley

  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I am the official guide to the Loch Ness Monster, working under the auspices of the Inverness Town Council. It is really rather interesting the way I got the post. Of course, I have always been very interested in monsters, and my uncle Charlie, so to speak, gave his life up to them. In fact, before he actually went into the home the doctor told me that he had never had a patient with such a varied assortment of monsters. And so, as soon as I heard of the Loch Ness Monster, I wrote to the Inverness Town Council and explained that I had studied under my uncle Charles, and I thought that I might be a help in classifying their monster. And I also pointed out a very interesting thing— this controversy about the Loch Ness Monster's wife. Well now, in a poem of Keats', the first line of the poem the " Grecian Urn," it is definitely mentioned. He speaks of " that still unravished bride of Quiet-Ness," and he goes on further. He says, " A sylvan historian who can best Express"—of course, he has actually got the name of the paper wrong. That should be " the best Daily Mail." But that is, no doubt, poetic license. And the Inverness Town Council was very impressed with what I said, and as luck would have it, the gentleman who had the post of official guide before me was dismissed at that time. It was all rather sad, because he was making the footprints of the monster on the
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