Gordon Kerr-Smith
Gordon Kerr-Smith
Illustrations by D. Ferguson
I'll tell you a story from long, long ago - 
When t' Romans ruled Britain and Gaul, 
With Emperor Hadrian as their C.O., 
You know, 'im as built 'Adrian's Wall. 

It were this way since t' Romans 'ad first conquered t' land, 
Their Soccer Team played in the Cup 
Which were fought out at Wembley between all the Tribes 
Of which Football League, then, were made up. 

But for many long years the result were the same - 
Each time it were t' Scotch Team what won! 
It 'd got to be 'abit that couldn't be broke, 
And some'at just 'ad to be done. 

Well, 'Adrian loved soccer, but 'e'd 'ad quite enough 
Of this annual defeat of 'is side, 
So 'e sacked t' Team Coach, who went off in the 'uff, 
And set to, to restore Roman pride. 

'Is tactics was simple, 'e just lined up the Team, 
And in front of them ranted and roared, 
Sayin' they'd best pull their socks up and lose no more games 
Or 'e'd put all t' lot to the sword! 

Quite natch'ral, this made lads determined to win. 
They was ruthless when t' Final took place, 
And for once Scots were beaten, and that were a thing 
That they'd never before 'ad to face. 

There was crowds in Argyll Street, when t' Scotch Team got 'ome, 
But instead of the normal Ovation - 
They 'ad to be told t' Cup had gone off to Rome - 
And shock stunned the 'ole Scottish Nation! 

There were deathly great 'ush, then a 'uge 'ighland Chief 
Stood on soap box, and started to shout 
'Are we goin' to let t' Romans away wi' such cheek? 
Are we 'eck, lets go drive t' buggers out!' 

The crowd's mood were ugly, and bayin' for blood, 
And this idea sounded just right. 
So they gathered an army, wi' bows, swords and clubs, 
And set off for the South, and a fight! 

Now, by chance, Roman army were in Blackpool, on leave, 
While 'Adrian fished off North Pier. 
When an 'orseman from Scotland came gallopin' in - 
With 'is face white and bloodless wi' fear. 

He fell off the 'orse 'e'd been ridin', 
And doffin' 'is rusty steel 'at, 
Panted 'Sire, the Scotch are revoltin'!' 
Answered 'Adrian, 'Ah've always thowt that!' 

When t' rider 'ad told 'is dread story 
Of 'ow t' Scots would murder them all, 
'Adrian thought for a bit, then said 'I know what, 
To stop 'em, we'd best build a Wall!'

So t' Legions set to, and the Wall were soon built, 
From Solway to Walls-End-on-Tyne, 
And 'Adrian stood with 'is 'and on the 'ilt 
Of 'is sword, lookin' pleased down the line. 

'Well done, lads!' he said, proudly, 'They'll not get by that. 
Take your posts and get ready for t' fight!' 
And just as 'e said it a voice cried 'Attack!' 
And Scotch warriors hove into sight! 

For years t' Scots kept up a ferocious assault, 
But despite it the Wall stayed intact. 
And t' battle went on day and night without 'alt, 
Till both sides was feelin' fair whacked.

They was all gettin' bored, so both sides called a truce, 
'Cos fightin' was gettin' quite tame. 
So to settle the matter, and end the abuse, 
They agreed to play one last great game. 

It were t' Scots turn for 'ome game, and so Hampden Park 
Were made ready for t' great Hampden Roar, 
And t' Roman Eleven plus coach-loads of fans 
Set off North up the M74. 

They was not seen again - No one knows of their plight, 
And in time t'Romans came 'ere no more...
But on top of the Wall on a dark moonless night, 
'Adrian's ghost walks, cryin' out - 'What's the Score?' 
The end