Henry the Fifth
by
Gordon Kerr-Smith
Gordon Kerr-Smith
Illustrations by D. Ferguson
Of Henry the Fifth, King of England,
A proud tale I'd much like to tell;
As how 'e restored British honour,
And walloped the Froggies as well.

As a lad, 'e 'ad poor reputation,
And all t' Palace neighbours got mad -
Kept awake by 'is nightly cavortin'
They'd up and complain to 'is Dad.

But when 'is poor father 'ad snuffed it,
And Hal found the Crown on 'is 'ead,
'E vowed to reform 'is be'aviour,
And set good example instead.

Not knowin' 'is manners 'ad altered,
And thinkin' 'e were still daft clown,
The French sent 'im tennis ball present
And provoked 'im to capture t' French Crown.

To invade France 'e sailed from Southampton,
Wi' 'is army, determined and grim.
For t' passage 'e 'ired the Queen Mary,
And those who missed t' boat 'ad to swim.

Next mornin' they sighted French coastline,
And landed at place called 'Arflower,
Where they found Town Gates locked, barred and bolted,
And a notice sayin' "Bog Off, you shower!"

So 'Enry brought up a great cannon,
And blew a big 'ole in t' Town Wall,
Then 'is soldiers went in to take over,
But French wouldn't give in at all.

So 'Enry stood up on 'is soapbox,
And gave t' men a great rousin' speech,
Sayin' "By George, let's give 'em old 'Arry,
Coom on, lads, once more into t' breach!"

The English morale thus uplifted,
The army set to with a will,
And that night's results in the paper
Read – "Fights: England One, Froggies Nil".

Now t' French King were most aggrevated,
On hearin' of t' fall of 'Arflower,
And realised unless 'e took action,
'Enry's flag would soon grace t'Eiffel Tower.

So 'e picked sixty thousand strong army,
The finest in t' World, so 'e thought;
And sent 'em to clobber the English
At a place that were called Agincourt.

Our 'Enry 'ad only twelve thousand;
Outnumbered by five men to one, 
And most of 'is soldiers was poorly
Through eatin' frogs legs and French Bun.

The night before t' battle got started,
The French was in boastful display.
They'd a sweep on 'ow long it would take 'em
To wipe out the English next day.

The English lads sat around moanin',
They was all lookin' knackered and tired,
And 'Enry, seein' 'ow things was goin',
Knew further grand speech were required.

He told t' lads that, bein' Saint Crisp's day,
'E'd ordered crisps issued all round,
But asked 'em to save all t' bags careful,
As great new use for 'em 'e'd found.

Each man were to keep a bag 'andy,
And after t' French made their attack,
When close, they should blow up bags quickly,
Then give 'em an almighty smack!

Wi' t' dawn, French was winched on their 'orses,
Their banners and shields lookin'grand,
And charged down the 'ill at the English,
'Oo waited wi' crisp bags in 'and.

When Frenchies was almost upon 'em,
King 'Enry gave t' sign to 'is gang,
And t' French 'orses, gallopin' forwards,
Was shocked by an 'orrible BANG!

Straight off, every 'orse reared bolt upright,
And dumped all t' French Knights on to t' ground,
Where, due to t' weight on their armour,
They could do nowt but flounder around.

But poor English army still grumbled,
They said it were all 'Enry's fault. 
'E'd bought all t' crisps in job lot,
And none of 'em 'ad any salt!
The end