Gordon Kerr-Smith
Gordon Kerr-Smith
Way up in the heart of the Pennines 
There's a village not found on the map. 
The Ordnance Survey won't list it, 
But its there, - and its called Whipplesnap.

Its not what you'd call an attraction, 
And tourists don't bother to call. 
Its not in the R.A.C. handbook, 
So nobody goes there at all.

You couldn't blame folk for not stoppin', 
The place bein', to say the least, bleak. 
There's one pub; a post-office-cum-grocers, 
And t' library van every third week.

But the place 'as its own Parish Council 
For settlin' all t' village affairs, 
Like paintin' the bench at the crossroads 
And fixin' the donkey-bus fares.

The village is quiet and peaceful, 
And it 'as been since B.C. Naught-One, 
When some Romans on package tour came there, 
And roasted the Mayor, just for fun.

 It were thus an event of some moment 
When letter from t' Queen were received, 
Sayin' as how she'd be comin' to visit, 
And 'opin' they wouldn't feel peeved.

In 'er Jubilee Year Celebrations 
She were doin' a tour round their way, 
Along with the Duke - that's 'er 'usband - 
And would stop off with them for the day.

This news caused some right consternation 
And t' Council got into a flap 
Till they realised that this Royal Visit 
might put t' village back on the map.

They raised Rates by eight-and-a-tanner,
(Cos they 'adn't gone decimal yet),
And started by buyin' a banner
For t' platform where t' Queen would be met.

They'd ideas for a reet good procession, 
A real fancy dress cavalcade, 
And they 'ired a young cowboy from Rochdale 
Called Mike 'arding to lead the parade.

As t' great day grew close there were panic, 
Cos stands and things 'adn't been done. 
So they 'ad to 'ave round-the-clock workin' 
Which frankly weren't really much fun.

What wi't' washin', and cleanin', and paintin', 
And fixin' the old village 'all, 
They was at it non-stop for a fortnight, 
And no-one 'ad no sleep at all.

But at last it were done. All were ready 
On t' Day - with just one hour to go. 
And though they was all quite exhausted, 
They rushed 'ome to get dressed for the show.

By the time Queen were due in 'er carriage 
They was all in their places in t' street; 
Sat sittin' on planks in their costumes, 
Enjoyin' the Summer Sun's 'eat.

It were not Queenie's fault she were 'eld up. 
The roads to the village was poor. 
On t' way, Duke 'ad mended three punctures 
That they'd got comin' over the moor.

And so they was well be'ind schedule 
Before they came in on t' last lap 
Down t' 'ill past the chip shop and pigstys 
And on into Old Whipplesnap.

But the Queen and the Duke was quite puzzled. 
'By gum, Phillip luv, but that's queer. 
I can see all the folks there, sat sittin', 
But never a wave, or a cheer!'

Duke opened t' car door and alighted, 
And, hands behind back, paced the street 
To try to discover the reason 
Why nobody stirred from their seat.

He took a good look at all t' faces, 
Then back to t' Royal Carriage did creep, 
Where 'e said to 'er Queenship, quite soft like: 
'We'd best leave them be. - They're asleep!'

'But we can't just go on and say nothin''
Said Queen, 'Nay, not after I wrote 
And promised 'em all we'd be comin'. 
I know what; we'll leave them a note!'

So, hours after that, in the evening, 
All t' villagers woke up to find 
That t' Jubilee Visit were over, 
And this note 'ad been left behind:-

'Good People of Whipplesnap - Greetings. 
I'm afraid we 'ad bother wi t' car, 
And it didn't seem right to disturb you. 
Lots of Love, from ELIZABETH R.!'
The end