Richard the Third
by
Gordon Kerr-Smith
Gordon Kerr-Smith
Illustrations by D. Ferguson
The Monarchs, in Times Medieval, 
Was ruthless and cruel, as you've 'eard; 
But worst of the lot by a long chalk, 
Were t' villainous Richard the Third.

Dick Crookback were t' nickname they gave 'im, 
On account 'e 'ad 'ump on 'is back, 
But nobody dared call 'im that to 'is face, 
Or they'd end up in t' Thames, in a sack!

Not bein', so to speak, all that 'andsome, 
Wi' habits most folk would deplore, 
Its 'ardly surprisin' 'is Banner 
'ad on it the Sign of t' Wild Boar.

On account of of' is nasty be'aviour, 
Folk shunned 'im, and left 'im alone, 
So Dick took the 'uff, and to show 'em 
Determined he'd sit on the Throne.

To start with 'e weren't in the runnin': 
'is claims was, to say the least, slim; 
'e were well down the Line of Succession, 
But 'e didn't let that worry 'im!

When 'enry the Sixth turned 'is toes up, 
King Edward, Dick's brother, took charge; 
But Dick laced 'is cocoa with arsenic, 
So is chance of survival weren't large!

Wi' Ted in 'is bed, proper poorly, 
T' next brother, Clarence, got set. 
Bein' first wicket down, 'e'd 'is pads on: 
But Black Dick were not finished yet!

'e got Clarence sloshed at a knees-up, 
And in cask of wine 'ad 'im drowned; 
Which only left two little Princes 
To stop Rotten Richard bein' crowned.

Pretendin' concern for their welfare, 
To t' Tower Richard 'ad both lads sent, 
Sayin' this way no 'arm could befall them, 
Which wasn't at all what 'e meant!

Then, true to 'is vile, nasty nature,
To t' Jobcentre Plus Richard crept.
And signed on two cut-throats at five groats an hour
To murder those kids while they slept.

The dire deed were done as directed, 
And t' Princes removed from the scene. 
Then Dick, just to show no 'ard feelin's, 
Ad t' wife killed, and wed a new Queen.

On t' dark day of Dick's Coronation, 
The streets was all empty and bare. 
They 'ad to hire squads of film extras 
To cheer and wave flags in the air.

But now that 'e'd got Crown of England, 
Dick couldn't sleep easy at nights.
'e started to wear steel pyjamas. 
And made t' Palace keep on all t' lights.

This were nowt to do with 'is conscience 
'cos 'e never 'ad any such thing: 
The reason was Young 'enry Tudor 
Was wantin' 'isself to be King.

Young Tudor 'ad large rebel army, 
And sent Dick a letter in verse 
Which called 'im a great cowardly custard, 
And other rude things even worse.

With rage, Dick went purple in t' physog, 
And sayin' 'e'd put Tudor in t' ground, 
Buggered off with 'is army to Bosworth 
Where t' battlefield were to be found.

But th' engagement 'ad 'ardly got started 
When, annoyed by all t' din of the fight 
A huge bull charged up - stopped the battle, 
And put all t' soldiers to flight.

Wi' fear, Dick's 'orse chucked 'im, and bolted, 
And left 'im sat sittin on t' ground, 
Where 'e waved title deeds to 'is Kingdom, 
Sayin 'e'd swop 'em for any 'orse found.

But nobody took any notice. 
In t' whole World 'e 'adn't a friend. 
Wi' armour on he couldn't leg it, 
So t' Bull got Black Dick in the end!

So Richard the Third's story's finished. 
'E lived 'is short reign to the full. 
In 'istory books tale may be different
Ignore it, - its just load of "Bull"!
The end