THE COSTERS' FOOTBALL MEETING
by
Leonard Pounds
Nah, I'm a costermonger an' I lives in Mangey Mews
I likes a bit o' sport at times, and don't say no to booze
Last month it was serjistid in the Bull - our fav'rit pub
That all us 'awker blokes sh'd form a costers' football club
The hidea caught on splendid, and we striteway then and there
Decided on a meeting wiv our parson in the chair
Of all the things wot 'appened I'll tell yer if yer like
I can easy spare the time becos us chaps is out on strike.

We 'eld this football meetin' in our Heast Hend Hinstitute
And the barrer boys from Bow to Aldgate came to cheer or 'oot
Ixcitement come quite early w'en the chairman calls out 'Now
The fust thing is the capt'in.' Then commenced a frightful row
Pat Murphy jumped up on a chair and shouted frightful loud
'I'm goin' ter be ther capt'in and I challenge all the crowd.'
Then 'Spikey' Bates sez, 'No. I'm better lokkin' far than you
And choose a 'andsome figger-'ead is what all big clubs do.'

So Bates and Murphy then commenced to bash each other flat
At the finish Bates was not a better lookin' bloke than Pat
Well, Murphy, after three more fights, obtained the capt'in's job
At the cost of two black-eyes and 'arf the wool from orf 'is 'knob'
'Now we wants the 'Vice'' I sez, when all seemed quiet and nice
But the parson says 'I'm shocked to hear our friend here ask for 'Vice'
Then 'opkins picked 'im up and shoved 'im outside in the rain
And over this vice-capt'incy the fun commenced again.

Jim Jackson banged the chairman's 'ammer jest te stop ther din
'E 'it so 'ard the top flew orf and did Smith's bowler in
When Jones 'ad found 'is missin' tooth and Smith 'ad bathed 'is ear
Sam Jenkins got made Vice-capt'in 'cos 'e'd brort a jar o' beer
'Now we comes ter Treasurer' Bert 'Arrison calls aht
Well the capt'in 'biz' was thick but this licked all wivaht a daht
In less than 'arf a minnit there was fourteen seprit fights
When I thinks of 'Sporty Watson's dial I lies awake at nights!

The marks wot 'Enery Wilson got 'e'll carry orl 'is life
'E don't give in ter nobody - ixcept per'aps 'is wife
Not orl the cats and Suffragettes combined could make sech row
And but fer Albert Robinson they'd orl be fightin' now
'E jumps up on the tible, brikes a glars an' starts ter shaht
'This 'ere's ter be a football club, an' arf the team's laid aht.'
This made 'em sober dahn a bit, an' things was quiet almost
So in the lull I sez 'Let 'Oppy 'ave the treasurer's post.'

'Let 'Oppy Evans mind the splosh, an' stop this row I beg
Why, 'e's the very feller, 'cos 'e's only got one leg.'
They saw the wheeze at once an' fixed it up upon the spot
Yer might think things would finish 'ere, but lumme, they did not
Next came the Secretary, an' fer this none cared a rap
Till someone sez-'E keeps ther stamps'-then twelve commenced to scrap
'Nobby' Jinkins did 'is best ter stop ther bloomin' fights
'E softly sneaked outside the room an' turned orf orl the lights.

Ter mike this stoary short, right in ther middle ov ther din
A mob of coppers rushed ther place, an' run ther 'ole crahd in
An' we didn't look a lovely lot wiv dials all black an' blue
Poor Bert 'Arvey tried to smile an' bit 'is chin in two
Next mornin' w'en the beak looked rahnd an' saw us in the dock
'E fined us double 'eavy cos we giv 'im such a shock
An' now if any cove should mention football clubs rahnd 'ere
'E'll find 'is bloomin' nose a chingin' plices wiv 'is hear!!
The end