'E 'it so 'ard the top flew orf and did Smith's bowler in
When Jones 'ad found 'is missin' tooth and Smith 'ad bathed 'is ear
Sam Jenkins got made Vice-capt'in 'cos 'e'd brort a jar o' beer
'Now we comes ter Treasurer' Bert 'Arrison calls aht
Well the capt'in 'biz' was thick but this licked all wivaht a daht
In less than 'arf a minnit there was fourteen seprit fights
When I thinks of 'Sporty Watson's dial I lies awake at nights!

The marks wot 'Enery Wilson got 'e'll carry orl 'is life
'E don't give in ter nobody - ixcept per'aps 'is wife
Not orl the cats and Suffragettes combined could make sech row
And but fer Albert Robinson they'd orl be fightin' now
'E jumps up on the tible, brikes a glars an' starts ter shaht
'This 'ere's ter be a football club, an' arf the team's laid aht.'
This made 'em sober dahn a bit, an' things was quiet almost
So in the lull I sez 'Let 'Oppy 'ave the treasurer's post.'
  'Let 'Oppy Evans mind the splosh, an' stop this row I beg
Why, 'e's the very feller, 'cos 'e's only got one leg.'
They saw the wheeze at once an' fixed it up upon the spot
Yer might think things would finish 'ere, but lumme, they did not
Next cime the Secretary, an' fer this none cared a rap
Till someone sez-'E keeps ther stamps'-then twelve commenced to scrap
'Nobby' Jinkins did 'is best ter stop ther bloomin' fights
'E softly sneaked outside ther room an' turned orf orl the lights.
Ter mike this stoary short, right in ther middle ov ther din
A mob of coppers rushed ther place, an' run ther 'ole crahd in
An' we didn't look a lovely lot wiv dials all black an' blue
Poor Bert 'Arvey tried to smile an' bit 'is chin in two
Next mornin' w'en the beak looked rahnd an' saw us in the dock
'E fined us double 'eavy cos we giv 'im such a shock
An' now if any cove should mention football clubs rahnd 'ere
'E'll find 'is bloomin' nose a chingin' plices wiv 'is hear!!
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