Les Barker

  During the North African campaign of the 7 years Franco-Prussian War of the Spanish Succession, a bunch of soldier boys had been on a long hike and found themselves in Macclesfield.
The next day being Sunday, they went into a church. One of the Franco Prussians saw one of the soldier boys take out a deck of cards, and said: 'Soldier; put away those cards."
The next day, the soldier was taken before the Provost Marshal. The Marshal spoke to the Franco Prussian, saying "Frank, why have you brought this man before me?
"For playing cards in church, Sir.
"What have you to say for yourself, son?"
"Much, sir," said the soldier.
"I hope so; for if not, I shall punish you more than any man was ever punished."
The soldier replied: "Well sir, when I see the ace, I think of what they call frozen water in Cheltenham.
When I see the two, I think of the two stomachs of half a cow.
And when I see the three, I think of the number of horsemen of the apocalypse when Pestilence is having a day off to run in the 2.45 at Ascot.
And when I look at the four, I think of the number of legs on part of a centipede.
When I see the five, I think of the number of trotters
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