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Limericks
 
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PAGE 2 - GRANDPAPPY'S SELECTION
A selection from Ron. Mortlock (Grandpappy).
 
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A railroad official at Crewe
Met an engine one day that he knew.
Though he nodded and bowed
The engine was proud,
and it cut him - it cut him in two!

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A traveller when dining in Crewe
Found a fat little mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too"

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There once was a fellow in Perth
Who was born on the day of his birth.
He was married, they say,
On his wife's wedding day,
And he died when he quitted this earth.

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There was a young lady from Wilts
Who walked around Scotland on stilts.
When they said "Oh, how shocking
To show so much stocking,"
She answered "well, what about kilts?"

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There was a daft gardener in Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
In a month the poor ass
Was all covered in grass
And he couldn't sit down for the weeds.

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There was a young man of Montrose
Who had pockets in none of his clothes.
When asked by his lass
Where he carried his brass
He said "Darling, I pay through the nose!"

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A certain young man of the Tyne
Put his head on the south-eastern line;
But he died of ennui
For the 5.23
Didn't come 'til a quarter past nine!

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On the breast of a barmaid in Sale
Is tattoo'd the price of brown ale
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Is the same information, in braille!

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From the crypt of the Church of St. Giles,
Came a cry that resounded for miles;
Said the Vicar "Good Gracious!
"Has Father Ignatius
"Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

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In London, an immigrant peasant
Clutching one Lady Amherst pheasant
Got the tube from Victoria,
And, filled with euphoria
Alighted at Mornington Crescent!

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A cartographer working for Shell-Mex
Made a list of the ways he'd had sex.
He described with much mirth
Sixty-nine (soixante-neuf)
As "The time I tried base over apex."

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On "Tonight," when Jeremy Paxman,
Interrogating a soft hearted taxman,
Got bad indigestion
Whilst asking a question
The taxman said "Paxman, relax man!"

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The niece of Sir Horace Cholmondeley
Is an actress, well known and quite colmondely.
She campaigned for the Ghurkas
She doesn't wear burkas
And she's famous as Joanna Lolmondeley!

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There was a young fellow from Bicester
Who fell in love with his Sicester
When accused of incest
He lost interest,
But he still got a thrill when he Kicester

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Oh yes. I believe in old Santa,
And every year go to the Panto-
Mime, where they rhyme
Every line, all the time
And the audience joins in the banter.

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Don't fret about who is the worst,
Tracey Emin or Damien Hurst
What they call 'Modern Art'
Is not worth a fart
Old Masters will always come first!

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I remember the time that our Curate
Caught a cold and he wanted to cure it
But the potions and pills
That he took for his ills
Didn't work, so he had to endure it.

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I remember the time that our Curate
Caught a cold and he wanted to cure it
But the pills that he tried
Made him sick, and he died
He'd have been better off to endure it.

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A daring young private named Slaughter
Did something he didn't have oughter
Because 'Other Rankers'
Are made to do jankers
For shagging the Brigadier's daughter.

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The London Palladium dancers
Were had by a good many chancers,
A wandering Jew,
The Man From The 'Pru
And the 17th./21st. Lancers!

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The London Palladium dancers
Were had by a good many chancers,
A wandering Jew,
The Man From The 'Pru
And the band of the Queen's Royal Lancers!

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I sleep very well since we parted,
So really I’m not broken hearted.
I still think you’re a prude
To say I was rude
To laugh at your Mum when she farted!

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There once was a dancer, Ann Miller;
A cutie, a real stocking-filler
Her legs were so long
They outlasted the song
And her smile was a top of the biller

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At breakfast, a gourmet once said
'Bugger off with your chocolate spread;
'And sod peanut butter,'
We all heard him mutter,
'I want marmalade on my bread.'
 
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