A railroad official at Crewe
Met an engine one day that he knew.
Though he nodded and bowed
The engine was proud,
and it cut him - it cut him in two!

A traveller when dining in Crewe
Found a fat little mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too"

There once was a fellow in Perth
Who was born on the day of his birth.
He was married, they say,
On his wife's wedding day,
And he died when he quitted this earth.



There was a young lady from Wilts
Who walked around Scotland on stilts.
When they said "Oh, how shocking
To show so much stocking,"
She answered "well, what about kilts?"



There was a daft gardener in Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
In a month the poor ass
Was all covered in grass
And he couldn't sit down for the weeds.



There was a young man of Montrose
Who had pockets in none of his clothes.
When asked by his lass
Where he carried his brass
He said "Darling, I pay through the nose!"



A certain young man of the Tyne
Put his head on the south-eastern line;
But he died of ennui
For the 5.23
Didn't come 'til a quarter past nine!



On the breast of a barmaid in Sale
Is tattoo'd the price of brown ale
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Is the same information, in braille!



From the crypt of the Church of St. Giles,
Came a cry that resounded for miles;
Said the Vicar "Good Gracious!
"Has Father Ignatius
"Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"