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Limericks
 
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PAGE 4 - VARIOUS
 
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The most outrageous limerick of all, I guess, is one attributed
to Dylan Thomas, of all people. He certainly loved to quote it.
(John Bilsborough)


There was an old bugger called God,
who got a young virgin in pod.
This disgraceful behaviour
begot Christ our Saviour,
who was nailed to a cross, poor old sod.

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There was a young man from Devizes,
whose ears were two different sizes.
The first was so small
it was no use at all
but the other won hundreds of prizes.

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There was a young girl from Nantucket
who kept all her cash in a bucket,
till the day sister Nan
ran away with a man -
and as for the bucket, Nantucket

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An undergrad up at St John's
Attempted to bugger the swans,
But the kindly old porter
Said, "Please take my daughter,
These birds are reserved for the dons."

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And a couple from 'Dirk Dogstoerd'

There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald DuMaurier
And another ten men
And Sir Gerald again
And the band from the Waldorf Astoria.

There was a young man of Tralee
Who was stung in the neck by a wask
When they said 'Does it hurt?'
He said 'No, not a bit,
It can do it again if it likes!'

I read somewhere that the 'Tralee' one was attributed to Mr. George Bernard Shaw,
who was apparently somewhat contemptuous of the form; or maybe he wasn't
able to compose a 'proper' one that satisfied him: it's not by any means easy!
Anyway, there is a similar one by Sir W S Gilbert, who also used the device
several times in his collaborations with Sir Arthur Sullivan:
(Grandpappy)

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There was an old man of St Bees
Who was horribly stung by a wasp.
When they said:'Does it hurt?'
He replied:'No, it doesn't-
It's a good job it wasn't a hornet!'

Plus...

There was a young man of Porthcawl
Who thought he was Samson or Saul
These thoughts so obscure
Were due to the brewer
And not to his ego at all.

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A psychic young lady from Epsom
Who was highly magnetic and pepsom
Exerted her power
One day in the Tower
Drew out the Crown Jewels and kepsom.

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There was a brave girl from Connecticut
Who flagged the express with her pecticut
Which her elders defined
As presence of mind
But deplorable absence of ecticut.

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While Titian was mixing Rose Madder
His model lay posed on a ladder
Her position to Titian
suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and 'adder

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From 'Blarney Ballads' Birmingham

There was a young pupil named Kevin,
Who went to a school in south Devon.
He wasn't too bright
So they called him "Midnight,"
And his brother was "Half-Past-Eleven."

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A coal merchant fellow from Hacking
Sent one of his carriers packing.
When someone asked, "Why?"
This was his reply:
"I gave him the sack for slacking.

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O Rafferty fell from a ladder
On top of his head on an adder.
The fall that he had
Made him feel bad
But the adder bite made him feel badder.

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From 'rsfrith'

There was an old scholar at Kings
Whose mind dwelt on heavenly things
His only desire Was a boy in the choir
With an arse like a jelly on springs

 
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