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Limericks
 
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PAGE 5 - MORE FROM PETER
 
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A young lady reporter from Youghal
Wore a newspaper dress at a ball
But the dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

The jolly old vicar of Bray
His roses allowed to decay
His wife, more alert
Bought a powerful squirt
And said to her spouse, “Let us spray.”

A pretty young lass from Moyass
Had a truly magificent ass
Not roundy and pink
As you possibly think
It was brown, had long ears and ate grass.

There was a young girl from Athy
With shape like a capital I
When the lads thought it bad
She started to pad
Which explains how some figures can lie.

A young girl who lived in Askeaton
Had a figure with plenty of meat on
She said, “Marry me, dear
And you’ll find that my rear
Is a grand place to warm your cold feet on.

There was a young milkmaid of Wien
Who fell in the butter machine
They were greatly concerned
At the way she got churned
It took ages to get the thing clean.

An opera star from new York
Sang Aida, made up with burnt cork
By way of an answer
A black ballet dancer
Did Swan Lake just smothered with chalk.

An active girl athlete from Brussels
Had remarkable gluteal muscles.
Till she stripped for a sport
All the onlookers thought
She was wearing a couple of bustles.

There was an old sculptor from Thanet
Who carved Aphrodite in granite.
From the neck to the femur he
Did it from memory
Can't be the best method, can it?

The cook that we have here in Suva
Caught her hand in the washing-up Hoover.
We placated her squeals
But from now on our meals
Taste of finger-nail varnish remover.

A long-winded preacher from Babylon
Used to gabble and gabble and gabble on
So the floors of the pews
Were converted for use
To play poker or patience or scrabble on.

I can't think of anything horrider
Than a one-day stop-over in Florida
There are dozens of women
With whom to goes swimmin'
But it's too hot to go any forrader.

A Catholic couple in Sark
Used to make love by day in the park
Their confessor from Alderney
Said, "I'm appalled any
Christian can't wait till it's dark."

A professional lady named Iris
Said, "I get lots of legal enquiries.
But I'm no sort of wench
For the bar or the bench
They're so slow I'm 'ultra their vires'."

If you smile at a girl in Venezia
She sits down beside you and pezia.
Though the English it Italy
Criticise bitterly
Sooner or later it gezia.

An incautious skin diver named Charlie
Did a dive in the Grande Canale
To say the poor slob
Was absorbed in his job
Is much more than a facon de parler.

There was a young lady of Salcombe
Who, while dusting her body with talcum
Slipped and suddenly sat
On a hard front-door mat
Now her bottom is tattooed with 'Welcome'

A shark off the coast of Sorrento
Ate a bather who swam troppo lento.
They discovered his vest in
Its lower intestine
God knows where the rest of him went to.

Said da Vinci to Cosmo, "Your Grace,
Lisa's portrait's proceeding apace
But I'd do it much better
If I could just get her
To take that damn grin off her face."

There once was a bishop named Origen
Who used the church font to cook porridge in.
Though his baptismal rites
Would increase weights and heights
Their effect on the soul was discouragen.

The loyalist voters of Rheims
Wrote 'De gaulle' on the seat of their pants
But the practice was stopped
As they had to adopt
An unseemly electoral stance.

A girl from the Istrian Cape
Used to safeguard herself against rape
By prayers to Astarte
A course in karate
And pants of daedalion shape.

The pollution thay have in Geneva
Encourages gladular fever.
To swim in the lake
Is a dreadful mistake
If you see a girl drowning, just leave her.

The songs that are always the sweetest
Are those that are never sung.
The arrows the fly the fleetest
Come form bows as yet unstrung
And the biggest bang we ever heard
Has not as yet been bung.

There was a young girl guide from Kew
Who set out to reach Timbuktu.
So virile was she
She reached Timbukthree
Which shows what a girl guide can do.

A widowed distiller from Brescia
Wished to pickle his wife under pressure.
But the Duchess of Palma
Said, "Why not embalm her?
It keeps them so very much fresher."

This continual travel is vile
Even though one goes first class in style.
But remember in casia
Get stuck in Malaysia
A miss is as good as a mile.

If you go to a movie in Addis
What makes me especially mad is
The camels they ride
Have the same coloured hide
So you can't tell the good from the baddies.

An Arabian lady named Lizzie
Wrote limericks so very lousy
Because, being lazy
She made the thing easy
By omitting the vowels, the huzzy.

There was an attractive Lahore
Who bitterly said "A Mysore
You can earn here in Delhi
Enough for your belly
But nevertheless Udiapore.

There was a young lady named Dritton
Who lived in a flat in Thames Ditton
Had she been so extreme
As to live out at Cheam
This limerick couldn't be written.

The ladies who live in Helsinki
Are thin and flat-chested and slinky
So most of the chaps
Prefer much larger Lapps
Who am I to condemn them as kinky?

If you look for a girl friend in Tonga
Where the women are broader and longer
You might think that the tall
Had no trouble at all
So you might, but you couln't be wronga.

There was a young student of Thame
Who was so lost to all sense of shame
That he read for his finals
In public urinals
Lots of medical men do the same.

There are sundry old chess-players theses
Which iron out some of life's creases
For instance they state
That you can't hope to mate
If you do not develop your pieces.

There was an old monk of Siberia
In logical sense so inferior
That he had to enquire
Every time if the Prior
Came before or behind the posterior.

There was a young lady of Fiji
Who fell off the back of her gee gee
It's not that her weight
Was excessively great
But it stuck out too far from her C.G.

 
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