Mike Dempsey

It were a fortneet last Wednesday about half past eight
When t'letter at Sam's did arrive
And 'e offered no 'elp when 'earin' a yelp
'E watched t'whippet chase t'postman down t'drive

'E searched for 'is specs an' 'ee looked 'igh an' low
Where 'e didn't look good Lord only knows
'Til walkin' through th' all passin' mirror on t' wall
'E saw 'em perched on th'end of 'is nose

'E opened the letter and 'e read it at once
'Dear sir - Re: th' estate of thy late Uncle Bill
Would you kindly bob into th' office
'Cause 'e's left thee summat in t' will.'

Now Sam after readin' t' sad tidin's
Were fair filled wi' grief and remorse
'Cause great Uncle Bill were a milkman
And Sam felt right sorry for t' 'orse

Sam got his-self ready, 'ad a wash and a shave
An' used goose grease to smooth 'is 'air down
Then 'e polished 'is boots and 'e set off for 'Coots'
The solicitors near t' Co-op in town

Well t' place it were full of relations
And great Auntie Flo brought 'er parrot
But 'e couldn't see t' 'orse 'cos 'it hadn't turned-up
'T were a shame 'cos 'e'd fetched it a carrot.

"To my nearest and dearest I leave everything"
The solicitor started to read
And all of 'em got out their 'ankies
And their eyes lit up t' room wi' their greed

But to cut short a fair longish story
It's funny 'ow things can turn round
'Cos great Auntie Flo she got saddled wi' t'orse
And Sam 'e got ten thousand pound

Now Sam 'e 'ad no need for money
'E 'ad no need for nowt, but of course
Wi' all of this money 'e would swap Auntie Flo
For what 'e really wanted were h'orse

Flo said as 'ow she were pleased wi' t' idea
For summat like this she'd been prayin'
'Cos it kept treadin' on t' cat in 'er council flat
And t' neighbours were fed-up wi' all t' neighin'

So Sam's now content wi' 'is way of life
Although it never was 'ard
And t' 'orse is well fed and it lives in a shed
As Sam built next to t' kennel in t' yard

And now there's a sight for sore eyes every week
Which I nearly forgot to mention
How on Mondays, on t ''orse, Sam and t' whippet of course,
Trot to t' post-office in town for Sam's pension.

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