Front windows looked out on gasometer
Back windows on slaughter ‘ouse wall.

The landlady had catered for Lucretia Borgia
She was that tight she counted the salt
The cockroaches picketed the kitchen
And food were that bad cat were bald.

On first night Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Left young Albert in on his own
While they went for a pint at the ‘Pig and Manic Depressive’
It were free and easy wi’ Fred on the paper and comb.
Now Albert had read all magazines,
‘The Sunday Post’, ‘Womans Own’ and ‘Whats Yours?’
Then he went upstairs for a root and a rummage
And peeping in dressing table drawers.

What he found there was truly amazing
He never had seen one before
“Nightrider” ‘twere called and Albert thought...
“Nightrider? “ – must be summat you wore.

It were like his dads crash hat he used on his moped
Only this were smaller and in red
  So taking it out of the packet
He rolled it right over his head.

When Ramsbottoms come back at closing time
Albert was no where about
'Appen he’s in bed” said mother
'Appen we’ll go upstairs and find out.”

Well they found little Albert wandering round landing
Moaning and treading on cat
There’s a condom on his head” said father
And Mother said “Eeh… fancy that!”

“It’s stuck to his head “ said father
“He’s rolled it right down to his neck
And his eyes look like boiled eggs in cling film."
And mother said “Eeh I am vexed!”

What did you go and do that for, our Albert?
You’ve got yoursen in a right mess”
And all that young Albert could say was
“Umm um umm um umm um um!”

“He’s gone a funny colour.” said father
“I think he’s going to die”
“If he does I’ll be vexed “ said mother
“I’ve just bought him a new shirt and tie!
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