(wheeping) bitter, please, Jimmy.' I looked at him and said, 'You've had a good Christmas, pal?'
Don't talk to me about (wheeping) Christmas. I had a few (wheeping ) beers yesterday in Yates' and gets home totally (wheeping) wasted. Well, the wife's at her ( wheeping) mother's getting the kids' presents so I thought I'll get the (wheeping) turkey ready. So I opens the (wheeping) bag and if that's a (wheeping) fourteen and a (wheeping) half pound turkey I'm the (wheeping) Pope. I've seen more meat on a (wheeping) butcher's biro. And it isn't even plucked. So it's two o' (wheeping) clock in the (wheeping) morning and I've got the (wheeping) electric razor out and I'm shaving it. Then I've got four pound of (wheeping) stuffing to get in it. In the end it's down to the icing bag up the jacksie. So I've got it stuffed. I lie it there with a little bacon waistcoat and put all the (wheeping) spuds round it. I work it out on the timer... twenty minutes a (wheeping) pound that's nine times six divided by three, call it ten hours, that's twelve o'clock tomorrow. So I set it, get to (wheeping) feather and crash out. So I wake up this (wheeping) morning. I've got a head like a bucket of frogs, the (wheeping) kids are running round mad.
There's one of them (wheeping) dolls that eats, drinks and wets herself throwing up in the corner, there's a (wheeping) Action Man walking round with a
  (wheeping) Scalextric out all over the (wheeping) place, up the (wheeping) sideboard, over their granny's head. And sat all round the table is the wife's family all getting (wheeping) smashed on my booze. All the wife's (wheeping) brothers are there, all eleven of them straight out of nick. They're all so (wheeping) hard they make Al Capone look like a pouf. The wife's got a face like a box of chisels She just says, "I've got the (wheeping) veg, get the (wheeping) turkey out of the oven." I open the oven door and you won't believe it. It's lying there like a walnut with three matchsticks. I thought, say nowt and they (wheeping) all might not notice. I took it in and the brothers thought I was taking the (wheeping) mickey, over goes the (wheeping) table, fuses the (weeping) Scalextric, the (wheeping) brothers are smashing the place up, in comes the (wheeping) law, knock, knock, bang, bang, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello, thump, thump, nut, nut, boot, boot, bleed, bleed, (wheeping) bracelets and meat wagon and two hundred quid bail, and do you know what I got for Xmas? - a (wheeping) budgie.'
Then I was suddenly thinking. And I'm starting to piece things together, which is not very easy for me at that time in the afternoon after giving it plenty of elbowbending. And I suddenly thought that maybe that wasn't a budgie in the cage back at the flat. So I went back and I had a look and I decided that it
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