Mike Harding

It was Christmas eve in the Pig and Ballbearing
The usual gang were there,
Pouring meths in the Vino Collapso
And Brasso in their bitter beer.

There was Pick the nose Albert from Burnley
Who talked with a terrible limp
And squint eyed Lilly the budgie rustler
Who had teeth like a mouthfull of dimps.

Baldheaded Mable was ticklin the ivories
And playin the piano as well
Till the lid came down on her hand with a bang
And we laughed like merry hell.

We were full of the Christmas spirits that night
Singing the Christmas songs
While outside the streets were thick with snow
And the usual bone works pong.

Then into the room came a tattered old tramp
"Merry Christmas to you all" he crooned
And he staggered to the bar like a man possessed
And fell head first into the spittoon.

We looked at the stranger in silence
His face told a story so old
And he'd nowt but a dishcloth and a sugar bag on
To keep his Christmas Crackers from the cold

"You look like you need a drink owd lad"
Athletes Foot Annie bawled,
"Give me a pint of Lunatic Soup," he cried
"And I'll tell my sad tale to you all".

I once loved a girl she was handsome
To please her I tried all I knew
But she was falsehearted and one moonlit night
She buggered off with the man from the Pru.

I swore if I caught him I'd smash up his bike
And I'd stuff his pump up his vest
I'd rip up his cap and stamp on his indelible pencil
And stuff his bike clips down the nearest grid.

They told me he'd took her to Blackpool
On t' crossbar of his old Raleigh bike
At No. 397B Railway Esplanade
They were living as man and as wife.

So I went on me pogo stick up to Blackpool
And searched that town through and through
She was nowhere in sight, the love of my life
Who'd run off with the man from the Pru.

'Till I found them one night at the top of the tower
Watching the rising sun
I threw off my Punch and Judy tent and exposed myself
Crying "Ey up Mabel! What have you done?"

Then I chucked him off the top of the tower
As he fell he threw his boots at me
But as he fell the boots fell as well
Because of the gravity.

Mabel she wept buckets of grief
Crying "I loved him far more than you"
So fast as I was able I threw my Mabel
After the man from the Pru'.

They landed head first in an ice cream cart
And frozen to death were they
The ice cream man was an Itallyanne
And he sold no more ice cream that day."

As he finished his sad saga his eyes fell down
And he let out a blood curdling roar
For there in a pool of beer was A FACE

He started suckin the puddle of beer
Where the human face could be seen,
She let out a terrible scream!

Albert my love!! It's you she cried!!
You thought that I was dead
But the ice cream didn't kill me it merely severely chilled me
And froze all the hair off my head.

They flung themselves into each others legs
And we all let out a cheer
Then the landlord opened the blindbox
And bought us all a gill of stale beer.

Now Mabel and Albert got married
And they bought a barbed wire shop
But the tale doesn't have a happy ending
She's just buggered off wi' t'man from t'Co-op!

The end