I don't want to sound
Like a big girl's blouse,
But if you're all that good
Why don't you stop
Them big ones at school
From bashin us likkle ones up?
Big MuIQueen with his knuckly hands
Keeps twistin' me arm till I cry,
So if you won't hit 'im wiv a thunderbolt
Then make me twice his size, I'll give him two black eyes
Make 'im eat snot pies.

Well, I don't want to sound
Stupid, God,
In this letter I'm sendin' you,
But does your mam
Make you eat your cabbage
Like my mam makes me do?
I fink cabbage tastes like snot
And I don't like cabbage an' peas.
Why did you 'ave to invent that muck
When you could've made ice cream grow on trees
'Stead o'dem peas.

  Well, that's really
All, dear God,
But P.S. just a minute,
Last Christmas Day I got a cracker,
I got a cracker,
And it 'ad nuffin' in it.
All the ovver kids got blowers and fings
And they were lettin' um off.
I don't want to spoil your birfday
But I fink Santa Clause is rippin' you off,
Him an' 'is elves, 'elpin demselves.

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