Mike Harding

A long time ago my dear brethren,
before anybody here were a twinkle in their father's kneecaps,
There were two cities called Sodom and Gomorrah,
which were the old names for Oldham and Collyhurst,
and in these cities of Sodom and Gomorrah
there was fornication and copulation and excavation
and hokey pokey, penny a lick and all the rest of it.

And the Lord looked down on the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah
With his baleful eye (the one in the middle) and he was mightily displeased
And He spake unto His Archangel Michael thus,
"Hey up Michael, a word in thy lughole."
"Yes God", said Michael.
"I tell thee, lad," He said,
"I am dischuffed to t' knickers with them two places
and I am that dischuffed," He said,
"That I am going to open the heavens tonight,"
He said, "A big rent in t' clouds," He said,
"And I'm gonna drop my big balls of fire right on 'em," He said

  "Are you sure ?" said Michael, "Are you sure ?"
"I kid thee not," said the Lord, "For I am mightily displeased
and at 12 o'clock, bang, smoke, finito Benito." He said.
"Why 12 oclock ?" said Michael.
"Well," he said, "I've borrowed t' balls of fire from down below
and they're going back at half past.

But," he said, "There is one man in the city of Sodom
and 'is name is Lot and Lot shall not have 'is lot,
so I tell thee to hie thee away to the city of Sodom,
Number 18, Clegg Street and fly in at t' front bedroom window
And tell him to flit, to get beawt, to begone."
"Right-o," he said. "But," said God. "One more thing.
Tell 'im not to look back when 'e's on 'is way out,
'cos if 'e does, my dire prognistications will befall him."
"Oh, bugger me," said Michael.

So Michael flapped 'is big Marks & Spencers' wings
And flew out of t'windows of Paradise
and into t' front window of Number 18, Clegg Street,
where 'e sat on the bed with one foot in t' chamber po'.
And Lot at that moment was in t' kitchen cooking a
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