ALBERT RAMSBOTTOM GETS MARRIED
Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
were happy and bursting with pride,
on the day their son Albert got married
to Mavis his beautiful bride.
The sun shone more brightly that morning
the birdsong seemed sweeter some how,
“It's time to go wake up our Albert” Mum said
“Tell him 'im come for 'is breakfast right now.”
Dad came back down stairs, his face ashen
“His beds not been slept in” he said,
“If he's not made it 'ome from 'is stag do last night
well, can I have his sausage instead?.”
Meanwhile in the big cat enclosure
at Blackpool's world famous park zoo,
on a bed of dried ferns slept a lion
and there slept his friend Albert too.
He'd gone to the zoo to see Wallace
to tell of his plans to get wed,
and they laughed at his many adventures
with his stick with the 'orses shaped 'ed.
They spent many hours reminiscing
'bout when Albert had once stowed away,
on the ship SS Tosser to Sydney
just as Wallace was heading that way.
Albert told of 'is plans to get married
Wallace wished them both all of the best,
then Wallace fell deep into slumber
with the head of his friend on his chest.
The sound of the keeper approaching
caused Albert and Wallace to wake,
Albert jumped from his somnolent posture
shouting “Crikey I'm going to be late !!!”.
But Wallace not one to be flummoxed
came up with a masterly plan,
“Climb up on my back Master Albert” he said
“I'll soon have you home with your Mam.”
Tally Ho, Tally Ho shouted Albert
his face all aglow with delight,
he'd not long to get to his wedding
he was almost too late but not quite.
'cross fields, over rivers and hedges
as fast as an Eagle they flew,
and they arrived back in Bacup at mid-day
which was good coz the weddings at two.
Albert thanked his friend Wallace profusely
for everything Wallace had done,
then he rushed in the house to get ready
where he got a thick ear off his Mum.
His parents were both glad to see him
and thankful he'd come to no harm,
Mum said “Where've you been you big Lummox
you look like you've slept in a barn".
When Father had finished in tin bath
Mother made Albert get in,
then scrubbed him down hard with the loofah
to which Albert made hell of a din.
Dad looked quite the toff in his top hat
"Just look at you Father" said Ma,
then spit washed his face with her hankie
sayin "You can't even wash yourself Pa."
They got to the Church in an instant
well it were only at top of the Brew,
Albert waited, his face looked as ashen
as a man on the gallows would do.
When Mavis arrived in her Carriage
her father was beaming with pride,
then the organ announced her arrival
with Mendlessohn's 'Here Comes The Bride',
As she walked down the aisle with her bridesmaids
Dad turned to Mother to say,
don't cry coz we're losing our son, Mum
coz I'd gladly have give him away.
When Albert knelt down at the alter
preparing to say his “I do's”,
the guests started laughing behind him
coz Dad had wrote HE LP on his shoes.
The service went off with no mishaps
a fact much to all their relief,
til they all went outside for the photos
to find Dad had forgotten his teeth.
Confetti cascaded like snowflakes
and pictures were taken by all,
unaware they were watched by a Lion
through a hole in the cemetery wall.
As the happy young couple were leaving
from his carefully picked hiding place,
poked the scar covered nose of a Lion
with the worlds biggest smile on his face.