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Further Adventures
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ALBERT AND THE SAFETY INSPECTOR
by
Paul Wilkinson


There's a famous can factory in England,
That's noted for beer cans and ends.
And old Albert Ramsbottom worked there,
Respected and liked by 'is friends.

'Is job were to drive the big forklift,
It were painted bright yellow and black.
It weighed twenty tonne, fully laden
And 'ad two, big gas bottles on t' back.

Now Albert knew all about fork trucks,
'E'd been drivin' 'em thirty odd years.
And 'e knew if he didn't drive careful,
That 'someone' would end up in tears!

'Cos' forklifts, unlike other motors,
Travel backwards when hauling a load.
And t'driver looks over 'is shoulder,
When travellin' up 'n' dahn road.

So Albert, would look... an' 'e'd listen...
As 'e drove round the factory with care.
And sometimes he'd give a short toot on 'is 'orn,
To let people know 'e was there.

Well, one day 'e received a directive,
From the 'Ealth and the Safety brigade,
Saying 'ow 'e were doin' things wrong, like...
And some changes would 'ave to be made.

'You'll need a 'ard 'at, with a peak on.
In case summat should fall on yer 'ead.
Plus earplugs and goggles and a bright yellow jacket
So no-one gets injured.' it said.

And we notice you're built on a flood plain,
So one day you may find your fork'll
Get stuck in the water... so we think you oughter
Wear flippers, a mask and a snorkel!'

So, suitably dressed to do battle,
Albert climbed up on 'is truck.
And in case of a sudden 'tsunami',
Wore a rubber ring, shaped like a duck.

Now the first day of these radical changes,
The man from the Safety Brigade,
Decided to pay them a visit,
To check all the changes were made.

'E wore earplugs and goggles and a big yellow 'elmet,
With a bright, flashing light on the top.
And the words on the back of 'is 'igh vision jacket
Read, 'Handle with Care... This Way Up.'

'E walked up an' dahn with 'is clipboard,
Checkin' ev'rything on the shop floor,
Then 'e paused for a moment to write on 'is pad,
In front of a big, yellow door.

It were just at this moment that Albert appeared,
Tryin' 'ard not to have a collision.
But 'is 'at and 'is goggles and 'is big plastic earmuffs,
Made him deaf and restricted 'is vision.

The safety inspector was in the same boat,
'E'd no idea Albert was comin',
'Til the very last second... he looked up an' screamed,
'Coz, by then it were too late for runnin'.

With unerring skill, Albert swung the truck round,
To deposit 'is load on the floor...
And totally deaf to the noise from behind...
'E wallpapered the bloke to the door.

Next morning, owld Albert were summoned upstairs,
And by 'eck, he were torn off a strip.
For scrapin' the bloke off the paintwork
And hiding 'is bits in the skip.

The manager screamed, "Well... you've done it this time,
What the Hell did you think you were doin'?
Dumping a corpse in the big yellow skip...?
DEAD BODIES SHOULD GO IN THE BLUE'N'...!!!
 
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