Peter Booker
There's a place in the North Called Blackpool
Infamous for its inns, pubs an' dives
Where many young lads went carousin'
An' went on an' ruined their lives!
It 'appened while out on a coach trip
Albert 'ad taken to Blackpool one day
While waitin' for an 'orse to be shod
'E 'ad upped and wandered away!
Now Albert Ramsbottom were a pillock
'E should never 'ave gone in that den
Where 'e met up wi' a bunch o' rough sailors
On the look-out for likely young men!
These sea-farin' types got 'im ratted.
By plyin' 'im wi' strong ale an' brandy,
An' between all the rums & blackcurrent
Slipped in the odd Drambuie shandy!
They 'ustled 'im off to the navy
For they were the press gang, you see!
An' before you coild say "Bob's yer uncle!"
Albert were afloat out at sea!
Next mornin' 'e were taken to t'Captain
Who gave 'h a pep talk or two
And welcomed 'im aboard the "Victory"
Then 'anded 'im over to t'crew!
They showed 'im 'ow to splice t'mainbrace
An' climb up the riggin', so that
'E didn't lose 'is grip or 'is footin'
An' end up on the deck wi' a splat!
Albert settled into the shipboard routine
As the days & the weeks slowly passed,
Learnin' the ways o'f the salty sea dogs
From t'bilges to top o' t'mast!
Then one day 'e were summoned t'Captain
Who cast an eye over the lad
'E 'ad to do that as he 'ad but the one,
'Aving gone an' lost t'other, how sad!
"'Ey up, Albert!" said Captain 'Oratio
"I've 'ad good reports about thee!
I think tha'll do well down on t'gun deck,
So nip on down there after tea!"
"Aye, aye, Cap'n!" sez Albert, salutin'
An' stomped off t'mess deck for tea,
Givin' vent to 'is feelin's by swearin',
An' kickin' ship's cat into t'sea!
'E went down t'gun deck as ordered
An'was sent to 'elp Gunner Joe
Whose job was to load balls into t'cannon
As when they was engaged wi' the foe!
They were near a place called Trafalgar
When the French fleet 'ove into sight
An' 'Oratio borrowed a coin off o'Joe
To toss for to run or to fight!
'Eads came up for fightin',
An' orders gave to Clear t'decks
An' t'signaller ran some flags up the mast
That said summat like "England Expects!"
So the English engaged wi' th' enemy
An' the French, likewise, replied
Wi' cannonball an' shot the battled
Broadside after broadside!
Now Joe 'ad grabbed two big cannonballs
To load up double for luck
When a shot came in through t'gunport
An' a barrel o' powder were struck!
Joe disappeared out o' yon gunport
Takin' t'two cannonballs wi' 'im!
Blown out by t' force o' th'explosion
An' takin' an unscheduled swim!
Albert stuck 'is 'ead out o' t'gunport
An' saw Joe attempin' to float!
Yellin', above t'noise o' battle
For someone to send 'im a boat!
Joe were bobbin' about in t'water
Sinkin'. then comin' t'top.
'E yelled, "If noboby saves me,
I'll let these bloody cannonballs drop!"
When Joe were pulled out o' water
Nelson said he deserved a VC,
But as it 'adn't as yet bin invented
'E gave 'im an egg for 'is tea!
Now Albert an' Joe became shipmates
An' 'ad many adventures of all sorts
Usually involvin' pubs, taverns an' dives
All round the world in all ports!
The end