ALBERT RAMSBOTTOM'S GRANDSON
You've heard the story of Albert Ramsbottom
How he was swallowed by Wallace the lion in one bite
And how he was returned to his parents
All frightened and bedraggled... poor mite!
Well Albert's now a granddad
And he's left his Lancashire home
He's been all around the country
Even went to the Millennium dome.
And having seen the rest of the country
He decided to go where it's best
So he took a train out of Blackpool
And headed south, then headed west.
Now he's bought a house in Penzance
He loves it with all his heart
He tells everyone he speaks to
How it's so handsome and right smart
Albert is now a granddad
And his grandson's called Albert, too.
And it was decided when the family came for the summer
To take him to Newquay, to the zoo.
Nay granddad, said young Albert
That sort of thing's not really for me
Now you live here in Cornwall
Let's go catch some fish in the sea
His granddad thought this was for the best
There was no point tempting fate
History might repeat itself
And being eaten wasn't great!
So they walked down the hill to the harbour
And hired a boat from the docks
They chugged out past the lighthouse
And turned right to avoid all the rocks
When they got in the bay, in the middle
Young Albert said, "This is the place to catch fish."
So they arranged themselves fore and aft
And cast out their lines with a swish.
Then they sat there for hour after hour
Maybe them fellas from Europe are right
The reason our hero's caught nothing
There wasn't a fish within sight.
Then suddenly the sea started to boil
A great whale came up from the deep
It quickly took young Albert's bait
And he was pulled from the boat with a leap.
The whale headed away from the harbour
Young Albert clutching his rod in a spin
His granddad shouted, "Let go lad!..."
But young Albert still thought he could win.
Then the whale swam around in a circle
And came back at the boy from beneath
It opened it's mouth with a gurgle
To reveal a ring of white teeth.
His granddad started the boats engine
To rescue the boy from the whale
But it swallowed him and dived back down where it came from
With a splash and a flick of it's tail.
Old Albert headed back to the harbour
To raise the alarm and get a rescue afloat
But when the boats owner saw him come speeding
He cried, "'ere, what you doing wi' me boat?"
When told of the reason for the hurry
You could see the man going pale
He said, "My insurance has exclusions
And one of them mentions a whale!"
The boy's parents were told of the incident
His mother took the news with a bold stance
Then started to shout and to holler
You could hear her all over Penzance.
"You weren't looking after the boy proper
I bet you were acting the goat
Didn't you see what he was wearing?
His new trainers and his best coat?"
A rescue party was arranged with great haste
They searched every inch of the bay
But there was no sign of young Albert
And the search were abandoned that day.
Now, you may think that young Albert
Was the most unfortunate boy around
But in fact he was the luckiest
Because of what inside the whale he found.
At first he just sat there and cried
Resigned to his obvious doom
But he realised that things could get better
As his eyes became accustomed to the gloom.
The whale had been a very busy creature
Visiting many far away places
And it's stomach was full of boxes
Great big ones liked packing cases.
Albert opened some of the boxes
And what he saw increased his pleasure
Because he found to his amazement
That they were all full of wonderful treasure.
Don't get me wrong, this wasn't diamonds
Or jewels, or bars of gold
But something far more valuable
To a boy who was just ten years old.
There was nothing here by Gucci
Or other famous names
No, all these great big boxes
Were full of wonderful computer games.
His best friend already had loads of them
Scattered all over his bedroom floor
But Albert now wanted to tell him
That he definitely had more
Just then the whale did a silly thing
It swallowed a whole rowing boat
And straight away it wished it hadn't
'Cos it could feel it's stomach bloat.
So it did the only thing it could
To release the pent up pressure
It spat it out, but also ejected young Albert
And all his boxes of treasure.
Albert grabbed armfuls of the games
Even though he thought he had breathed his last
But just then he was plucked from the water
By a trawler that was just going past.
Very soon he was back home with his parents
They were beside themselves with joy
They danced around and around and shouted
Thank you god for returning our boy.
Then he told them of his adventure
Of the good bits and the bad
And as they listened, sometimes they looked happy
And sometimes they looked very sad
But there is one thing about which they are decided
One thing about which they all agree
Nothing to do with fishing
Or the perils of going out to sea
It is this...
People say that computer games come from Japan
Carried here by boat and road and rails
But the Ramsbottom family will tell you
That actually computer games come from Whales