ALBERT AND T'COMPUTER
Peter J Harris
Now you've heard about Albert Ramsbottom
How he were once ate by a lion
And how he came back to his parents
By a providence some call divine.
Our Albert, well now he's a Grandad
And his grandson is called Albert too;
So he planned when the lad came one Christmas
To take him along to the Zoo.
"Nay, nay!" said the lad, "That's old fashioned.
"That sort of thing's really quite tame.
"Old Santa's brought me this computer,
"So Grandad, please buy me a game."
The game that they bought were called Dungeons;
And Grandad thought it looked so real
That he climbed right inside that computer
And his Grandson came right on his heel.
They climbed up a ladder of fire
And dodged past Be-elzebub's shrine,
Then the old man fell into a whirlpool,
So Young Albert tried throwing a line.
But Old Albert was dragged through the Vortex
And was carried to Dracula's lair
To be chained to the floor by his ankle
And pinned to the wall by his hair.
Well Young Albert, he had to do something
To rescue his Grandad that day,
So he went and found Merlin, the wizard,
Who promised to show him the way.
"You need to get outside t'computer."
Says Merlin, "Then follow me round "
By pressing the keys and the buttons,
"Until the old man can be found."
But just as they got though the Vortex,
Albert's mother came in with a cough.
"You playing again on t'computer!
"I'm turning the ruddy thing off!"
"Don't do it, our Mam!" cries Young Albert,
"'Cos Grandad is somewhere inside!"
Then she watched the lad zapping a demon
With a laser gun - eyes open wide.
Then Merlin, he found the right door
Of the dungeon in Dracula's lair,
And he said, after checking for gremlins,
"I'm sure that your Grandad's in there."
So Young Albert, he zapped at the doorlock,
Then zapped at a vampire on guard,
While Merlin untied poor old Grandad.
And they both then escaped, running hard.
Very soon they were outside the castle,
But when Grandad gave Merlin his thanks,
Grandma, who came by the computer,
Said "Another of Albert's daft pranks!"
When Old Albert got out of t'computer
His wife really gave him what for;
And he wondered if t'was better in t'Dungeon,
Tied up behind Dracula's door!!