ALBERT AND THE DINOSAUR
by
Dave Forder
There's a famous seaside town called Blackpool
And it has a museum there
Where there's bones and all sorts of old junk
And some things most ancient and rare.

T'Ramsbottoms 'ad been round t'town and seen t'fair
And also that lump of old iron - the Tower
Albert 'ad shinned up the outside
In less than 'alf an 'our.

Ma was less than impressed at this,
"You're wearing new Woolies sandals!" said she
Whilst Pa just whistled nonchantly
And decided he wanted a pee.

They'd even been down to look at t'zoo
And seen them animals most rare
Albert on this occasion
Had poked a ruddy great bear.

The keeper 'ad got quite a monk on
And in a stropp 'ad asked them to go
Pa said, "As we ain't seen all t'animals
Do we get us money back though?"

Now Albert and 'is parents were out on t'front
When it suddenly started to rain
Ma who 'ad just 'ad 'er 'air done
Cried, " Oooohhhhhh what a pain!"

So they dashed off in t'museum
To look at all these old bits
Pa said, " Best keep moving Ma
They might think you one of them exhibits."

Ma then glowered at Pa
In the way that mums often do
Then they realised - young Albert 'ad gone
He was missing and no longer in t' queue.

Now Albert 'ad gone in through t'exit
'Cos he didn't know what t'word meant
He'd seen folks coming out through the door
So off he blooming well went.

He was aroaming round t'museum
When a dinossaur's skeleton he saw
He poked it - with 'is stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle
And the whole bloody lot fell on t'floor.

All except t'skull that is
It landed on young Albert's 'ead
Museum attendant 'ad seen what 'appened
And some very rude words he said.

T'attendant was aswearing and cussing,
"Who's little bast........lad is this?"
Ma looked at Pa - they didn't say much 'cept
"Let's get out of all this".

So they set off without their Albert
And decided to shelter on t'pier
Pa said, " By gum that's better...
At least I can get some beer!"

They were sat at t'table with their glasses
When this appirition appears
Pa said, "Bloody 'ell - it's our Albert
Whilst others just choked on their beers.

The skull fit Albert - just like a glove
A reet numpty he looked in 'is sandals
With a dinossaur's 'ead on 'is shoulders
And 'is stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle.

The end