ALBERT AND THE MONKEY
There's a theatre
down near the Broad Way,
That's noted for fresh air and fun,
And the Ramsbottoms came down from Lancre
To see it with Albert, their son.
A grand little lad were young Albert,
All dressed in his best, quite a swell.
He 'ad a stick wi' an 'orses 'ead 'andle -
T'were t'finest that Boggi's could sell.
di'nt think much to the playing,
T'actors were pimply and small;
There were no sex and no-one were murdered;
There were nowt much to laugh at at all.
So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid for the Patrician's zoo,
Where they'd lions and hippos and camels,
And wyverns, and swamp dragons too.
Now there were one orang-utan called Pongo;
His nose were all covered with scars.
And he lay in a somnolent posture,
Hangin' down from one of the bars.
Now Albert had heard all about monkeys,
How they was ferocious and wild;
And to see Pongo restin' so peaceful,
Well it didn't seem right to the child,
So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took stick wi't'horses 'ead 'andle
And poked it in t'orang-utan's ear.
Well you could see as Pongo din't like it -
For, giving a kind of an "ooook",
He pulled Albert inside t'cage with 'im
And gave 'im a sorrowful look.
Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And did'nt know what to do next,
Said "Mother! Yon monkey's got Albert!"
And Mother said "Eeh! I am vexed!"
But monkeys is nothing like orangs,
And Pongo were sensitive soul -
So when Pa called Pongo a monkey,
The ape 'et the poor kiddie whole.
Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom,
Quite rightly, when all's said and done,
Complained to the Animal keeper
That t'monkey had etten their son.
Now the keeper were quite nice about it,
He said "What a nasty mishap!
Are you sure it's thy boy Pongo's etten?"
Pa said "Am I sure? There's his cap!"
Well the Manager had to be sent for
He came and he said "What's to do?"
Pa said "Yon Orang's 'et Albert...
And him in his Sunday best too."
Then Mother said "Right's right, my young feller;
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a monkey to go and eat Albert -
And after we've paid to come in."
The Manager looked a bit shifty,
And quailed under Mrs R.'s glowers -
He said "Well, I really am sorry,
But the real trouble is, he's not ours!"
Now Mother looked right down her nostrils
As the manager gave a weak laugh,
And said "Right then - where does he come from?
'Oh, we think 'e's from t'varsity staff."
So then they went to the big college,
In front of t'Archchancellor chap,
They told 'im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing his cap.
The wizard said "Pongo's quite touchy,
He must've come over right queer
When Father called 'im a monkey -
Not when Albert poked 'im in t'ear."
Then Ridcully gave his opinion
That no-one was really to blame -
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.
At that Mother got proper blazing,
And "thank you, sir kindly", said she,
"What, waste all me life rearing childer
To feed ruddy Orangs? Not me!"