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Further Adventures
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ALBERT AND THE CONDOM
by
Mike Harding

There’s a famous seaside place called Morecombe
That’s famous for sweet FA
Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom went there
With young Albert on charabanc one day.

A right little wart was young Albert
He was allus in trouble tha knows
Cos he’d faff about and dismantle a thing
And break it to see how it goes.

Aye, a right little wazzock was Albert
A right obnoxious little prat
He’d got so many belts from his father
That the top of his head was quite flat.

Now they didn’t think much to Morecombe
It were cold and everywhere were shut
Father said “For an August bank holiday
I think it’s a bit pigging much.

And we’re booked in here for the week
I shall go pigging mad in this dump”
“Oh look on the bright side” said Mother
“We could’ve booked Scarborough for t’month.

Now boarding house where they were stopping
“Sunny Sea View Villa” it was called
Front windows looked out on gasometer
Back windows on slaughter ‘ouse wall.

The landlady had catered for Lucretia Borgia
She was that tight she counted the salt
The cockroaches picketed the kitchen
And food were that bad cat were bald.

On first night Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Left young Albert in on his own
While they went for a pint at the ‘Pig and Manic Depressive’
It were free and easy wi’ Fred on the paper and comb.

Now Albert had read all magazines,
‘The Sunday Post’, ‘Womans Own’ and ‘Whats Yours?’
Then he went upstairs for a root and a rummage
And peeping in dressing table drawers.

What he found there was truly amazing
He never had seen one before
“Nightrider” ‘twere called and Albert thought...
“Nightrider? “ – must be summat you wore.

It were like his dads crash hat he used on his moped
Only this were smaller and in red
So taking it out of the packet
He rolled it right over his head.

When Ramsbottoms come back at closing time
Albert was no where about
'Appen he’s in bed” said mother
'Appen we’ll go upstairs and find out.”

Well they found little Albert wandering round landing
Moaning and treading on cat
There’s a condom on his head” said father
And Mother said “Eeh… fancy that!”

“It’s stuck to his head “ said father
“He’s rolled it right down to his neck
And his eyes look like boiled eggs in cling film."
And mother said “Eeh I am vexed!”

What did you go and do that for, our Albert?
You’ve got yoursen in a right mess”
And all that young Albert could say was
“Umm um umm um umm um um!”

“He’s gone a funny colour.” said father
“I think he’s going to die”
“If he does I’ll be vexed “ said mother
“I’ve just bought him a new shirt and tie!

“We’ll have to cut a hole in it,” said father
“His voice is getting quite weak
It’s a shame to waste a good condom
But we have paid full board for him for week”

So they cut a hole in the condom
With the saw that they used on the bread
But tug as they would it were no flipping good
It were stuck like gum to his head

“The fire brigade’ll have to be sent for
I’m right proper blazing” said Dad
“Next time poke a lion with a stick or summat
We can claim on insurance for that”

Fireman came and soon snipped it away
Pa gave them two bob for their trouble
They were laughing that much they crashed the fire truck
And reduced ‘Pig and Manic Depressive’ to rubble.

“Well all’s well that ends well” Said Mother
“That may well be,” father said “but...
It were last one we had and we’re here for the week
And all the pigging chemists are shut!”

Now moral to draw from this story
Is to lock up your drawers when you’re out
Cos if you’ve got a child like daft Albert
You may find yourself going without!
 
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