ALBERT AND THE NATURIST
It was a cold wet April in England,
The Ramsbottoms were sick to the teeth.
"I know..." said Mother, inspired,
"We'll take Albert off to the beach."
"Don't be silly," said Father in horror,
His voice were right scornful and 'ard,
"We'll not get no sunshine in Blackpool...
There'll be gales and rain fallin by t'yard."
"Nay Father," said Mrs Ramsbottom,
"I was thinking of more foreign climes."
"What, Scarborough?" said Dad in real terror
"You'll not get me o'er them Pennines!"
"Nay Dad..." said Mother with patience,
"I'm not so barmy as that.
I'm thinking of them there Canaries,
But we'll 'ave to pack Albert's sun 'at."
Next day they went down to see t'agent
And within half an hour or so
Booked two weeks B&B in a spot by the sea
In a town called Corralejo.
I'll not mention the traumatic journey
In a taxi that passed near a zoo,
Where a half deaf old lion named Wallace
Dreamed of eating a young lad or two.
Off into t'blue yonder with Thomson,
With a stewardess, Tracy by name.
O'er the wide deep Atlantic
To Fuerteventura they came.
In t'charabanc past the big sand dunes
The courier pointed with glee,
"See them Germans, on t'beach, in them bunkers,
They're naked as naked can be!"
Well, Mother screamed out in horror,
Clapped her hands over Albert's young eyes.
"Don't look, Dad!" She said o'er her shoulder,
"Don't stare at them big naked thighs."
Mrs R. was shocked and disgusted,
She hid her face behind her hat
In twenty five years matrimony,
She'd not been seen naked like that.
"Ee, Germans in bunkers..." said Father,
"It's just like World War bloomin' two.
But naked as well, they'll all go to 'ell,
I am shocked, oh what a todo!"
They settled into their apartment,
Owned by Senor Dominguez and son.
Where the view of the beach was quite splendid,
And everyone had their clothes on.
Next day there was cold stuff for breakfast,
The Ramsbottoms weren t'partial to that.
They'd rather have had a nice kipper,
Or bacon in gallons of fat.
At ten they set off for the playa,
And Dad looked all trendy and that.
In 'is braces and vest, not showing his chest
And an 'anky in lieu of an 'at.
The Ramsbottoms sat down in their deckchairs
"Five Euros?" Dad said, "a bit steep!"
Albert went to explore with a warning from Ma
"Don't you go down them dunes for a peep!"
Now Albert, being Albert, ignored her,
And off to the nude beach he went.
Unfettered ladies were tempting,
For our Albert was ado-lesc-ent.
Within half an hour our young hero,
Found dangly bits by the score.
His young mind was totally flummoxed,
There were stirrings he'd not felt before.
Sitting outside of a bunker,
Was a lady both suntanned and large.
"Hey up lad!" she said, "it's young Albert,
From over in our next door yard!"
Mrs. Perkins from Mafeking Terrace!
Showing off all her womanly charms.
"By heck!" said our Albert, astounded,
"They'll not believe it in t'Cloggers Arms."
"Now Albert..." said the nude lady,
"Don't go telling your folks about me,
It's a secret to keep and never discussed,
When I'm having your Ma round for tea!"
The rest of the stay was idyllic,
Bert wandered from old Dad and Mum.
In the dunes with big Mrs Perkins,
He got lots of sun on his bum.
Our Albert went back home enlightened,
Not just Germans had all over tan.
It's a secret he kept and said to himself
"I've learned things in more ways than one."
Back home in the grey streets of England,
Albert often sees our Mrs P.
A sly smile then passes between them,
The look says, 'Between thee and me!'