ALBERT AND THE PRIVY
John Bilsborough 1968
Now the Ramsbottom family and Albert
Are sufficiently well known to you
To relate an authentic occurance...
And furthermore, this tale is true.
The great River Irwell in Bury
Flows majestic'ly down to the sea,
Right past the Ramsbottoms' back garden,
And past their outside w.c.
Now, I needn't say much about privies -
You've heard of the things, I can tell.
They're found in all civilised places,
And in some parts of Wales as well. (suit youself)
T'were a most well-appointed little building,
There weren't no denying of that,
Like a sentery-box with a door on,
And "Welcome" wrote large on the mat.
Well, Albert had studied this privy.
T'were made of wood, so... it might float.
And wi't river so highly adjacent,
He thowt as it might make a boat.
The weather were wild and tempsesturous -
He crept down in the middle of the night,
And pitted his strength 'gainst yon privy.
It fell in and were swept out of sight.
And it floated away down the Irwell,
A'swirling and whirling about,
And he wondered just what he would say to his dad,
And decided he wouldn't say nowt.
At breakfast-time, Mister Ramsbottom
Remarked, in a none challent way,
"I see yonder privy's gone missing...
Our Albert, what have you to say?"
Well, Albert said he hadn't done it,
And couldn't guess rightly who had.
Mister Ramsbottom put down his saucer...
"I'll tell thee a story, my lad...
There once were a kid called George Washington,
Little feller, no bigger than thee.
And one day young George took a hatchet,
And chopped down his father's best tree.
And his father asked him if he'd done it,
And young Georgie, he started to cry -
"Yes, father, I done it. I done it.
For I cannot tell thee a lie."
And young George were expecting a belting,
'Cos his father were somewhat uncouth.
But instead, he gave young lad a sixpence!
As a re-ward, for Telling The Truth.
So, think on," said Mister Ramsbottom,
"If it weren't you what did it, who was it?
Tell us The Truth, our Albert.
Were it you sabotaiged yonder closit?"
"It were me!" said Albert, expecting
Asixpence or p'raps half a crown,
But he got a gert clout round his ear'ole
And a belt so's he couldn't sit down!
"And the reason for that" said his father,
"Is quite explanacious to see.
The diff'rence twix thee and George Washisname...
His father weren't sat in the tree!"