ALBERT'S LAST HOLIDAY
Gordon Bailey's book 'Stuff and Nonsense'
There's a seaside town known as Cesspool,
That's noted for foul air and smog;
Where Mister and Missus Ramsbottom
Took Albert their Pekinese dog.
It was Whitsun, and Missus Ramsbottom
Had taken time off from the pit;
They'd come to the coast to relax on the beach,
But found they had nowhere to sit.
There were beer cans, and bottles, and white plastic cups,
All scattered all over the shore;
Ramsbottom complained, and he asked why they'd come,
So she said, 'It weren't like this before.'
She pointed to Albert, who'd gone for a swim,
And said, 'Why not go for a dip?'
He said,'I'd be better to paddle in t' drains,
Or scramble about on a tip.'
Just then from a rockpool they heard Albert yelp.
Said husband, 'Now what's going on?'
So Missus Ramsbottom went over to see,
But she found that poor Albert was gone.
She peered in the water and then staggered back
With a queer sort of look in her eyes;
For there in the rockpool, near big as a bath,
Was a crab! Ee, it was a surprise.
Her husband came over and said, 'Where's the dog?'
Said she, 'There's the mark of his paws--
In the sludge by the pool, he's been swallowed by that,
See, it's got his right ear in its claws.'
Her husband peered in, then he nodded and said,
'It's that nuclear waste from the Lab.
'It's mutation that's done it.' She said, 'Don't be daft.
It were done by that ruddy great crab.'
Said he, 'I'll go in after Albert.'
Said she, 'Better take off your socks!
There's mussels as big as torpedoes--
No! Not on the crab, on the rocks.'
But Mister Ramsbottom, as brave as could be,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Walked into the pool, made a grab and leapt out,
Saying, 'All I could get was this ear.'
The Ramsbottoms tried to save Albert in vain,
They tried every day for a week;
Said Mister to Missus, 'We'd better give up,
We just are not reaching our Peke.
We'd better complain to the council,' said he;
'I'll send them this ear with that there.'
And reaching in t' rockpool he heaved out a shrimp,
Which he sent with the ear to the mayor.
'They'll have to do summat,' he said to his wife,
'To deal with that crabby great beast.
I've mailed them first class, so they'll get them no doubt
By the end of next week at the least.'
They waited and waited but nothing occurred,
So they wrote to the local MP;
He replied sympathising, inviting them both
To visit the Commons for tea.
He told them his party was doing its best
To tackle pollution at t' source:
They'd dogs on patrol sniffing beaches and dunes,
Avoiding the rockpools of course.
He promised them action, and promised it soon,
He promised them some recompense.
Said they, 'He's won Crufts, and he's worth quite a bit,
So we'll take it in fivers and tens.'
But all that they got for the loss of their dog,
In spite of appeals to the Lords,
Was a photo of Albert being swallowed by t' crab
In a tableau at Madame Tussauds!