'I wrote this monologue many years ago for Stanley Holloway. He delivered it a time or two, although regrettably I was never present on any occasion when he did, but he told me it went down well.'
Gordon Kerr-Smith
Gordon Kerr-Smith

Illustrations by D. Ferguson

Raising children's a difficult problem.
They all have their own little ways,
And frequently try their poor parents
By goin' through a "difficult" phase.

In bringin' up Albert, the Ramsbottoms found,
'E were really no different from t' rest.
Pa often remarked Albert got 'im right narked,
And Ma's patience was put to the test.

Like most other lads, Albert 'ad little fads
Which left 'is poor parents despairing,
But worst one of all that they can recall
Were when little lad started swearing!

They never discovered what started 'im off,
But if to a party 'e went,
You could near guarantee that, before 'alf past three,
For bad language, 'ome 'e'd be sent!

'Is Ma were ashamed to see 'im disclaimed,
And tried all roads to cure 'is obsession,
Till Pa said 'e knew just the right thing to do
To teach young Albert a lesson.

"There'll be no more parties for you," Father said,
In a manner decisive and stern -
"Till you don't swear no more, you're not goin' through that door;
So 'appen in this way you'll learn!"

For many a week Albert scarcely dared speak,
And though many parties took place,
'Is parents said - "No - 'e just couldn't go,
And it wouldn't 'elp pullin' a face!"

After several weeks more there came through t' front door
A highly ornate invitation
For t' lad to attend at the 'ome of a friend
On some highly important occasion.

Albert pleaded to go, and promised be'aviour
Of which Ma and Pa would be proud.
'E'd not say one word they wouldn't like 'eard
If goin' this time were allowed.

At length Pa relented, and said 'e consented -
But gave lad this terrible warning -
That if, at this do, 'e used words that were blue,
'E'd be red raw the followin' morning!

Came the day of the party, and Albert set off
In 'is best suit and gaberdine Mack,
With 'is face scrubbed and shining, 'e looked a right toff.......
After just 'alf an hour 'e was back!

Pa's face went all purple, and without one word
'E took off 'is brown leather belt,
And Albert got 'iding, - 'is cries could be 'eard
In t' next street as each blow 'e felt.

When Pa stopped, exhausted, 'e just 'ad to ask
Just what Albert 'ad said, ... and with sorrow,
And tears rollin' down, the poor child replied -
"Nowt, Dad! - Bloody party's tomorrow!"
The end