IT WOULDN'T HAVE
DONE FOR THE DUKE,
SIR.
( Kennington and Wass )
performed & recorded by
Norman Long
Now, Bill Jones was in trade and retired with a pile
And decided to live in a nobleman's style
He purchased a vast country seat of his own
And hired a new butler to give the place 'tone'.
Now 'Jenkins' 'til recently, had been with a Duke
And this was his constant and crushing rebuke...
"It wouldn't have done for the Duke, sir,
It would never have done for his grace...
The dinners you give are both costly and grand
But the best people don't smoke cigars with a band
And if I might make a suggestion
Jellied eels, sir, are quite out of place.
That wouldn't have done for the Duke, sir
It would never have done for his Grace."

Now Jones did his best to live up to this state
Dispensed with 'high tea' and had dinner at eight.
Bought colours of all the old schools that were good
And wore every one, as a gentlman should.
Plus fours with a bowler and heliotrope tie
Made Jenkins shudder and say with a sigh..."
It wouldn't have done for the Duke, sir,
It would never have done for his grace...
White spats and a boater I critisise less
But never brown boots, sir, with evening dress.
And if I might make a suggestion
A dickie's all right in it's place,
That wouldn't have done for the Duke, sir
It would never have done for his Grace."

Now, Jones found it hard to forget his old tricks
Made lots of faux pas and dropped several bricks,
It took quite a time to convince him, for one
That the cracking of nuts in the door isn't done.
Well, once he called Jenkins by shouting out, "Oih!"
And Jenkins replied, with a glint in his eye...
"It wouldn't have done for the Duke, sir
It would never have done for his Grace.
The sweet course at luncheon, sir, if you don't mind
Is never called 'afters'... it isn't refined.
And if I might make a suggestion
A fork as a toothpick's, not nice
That wouldn't have done for the Duke, sir
It would never have done for his Grace." 

But Jones set his teeth and continued to try
To ignore the displeasure from Jenkins's eye
Cut out pickled onions and endevoured to learn
To avoid blowing froth from his glass of 'Sautern'
But Jenkins at last dealt the finishing blow
With, "I fear, sir, that I... or the Mistress must go!"
"She wouldn't have done for the Duke, sir
She would never have done for his Grace.
I've bore with her weakness for ringing up earls
But the bath, sir, is hardly the place to wear pearls...
And if I might make a suggestion
Her lipstick comes off on ones face...
That wouldn't have done for the Duke, sir
It would never have done for his Grace."
    
The end