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Parodies
 
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TODAY WE HAVE BAKING OF TARTS
by
E.V. Milner

Today we have Baking of Tarts. Yesterday
We had Simple Salads. And a fortnight tomorrow
We shall have How to Garnish Cod cutlets. But today
Today we have Baking of Tarts. The viewers
Ogle their screens in a flurry of breathless excitement,
For today we have Baking of Tarts.

This is the plastic mixing bowl. And this
Is the rolling-pin and the board, whose use you will see
In a moment. And this is the transparent oven
Which in your case you have not got. The speaker
Warms to her theme with ardent, unflagging exuberance,
Which in our case we have not got.

This is the strawberry jam which is neatly extracted
With a gentle thrust of the spoon. And please do not let me
See anyone licking his fingers. It is perfectly easy
If you have any jam in your pot. The viewers
Are silent and motionless, never letting anyone see
Any of them licking their fingers.

And this you can see is the lard. The purpose of this
Is to prevent the pastry from sticking. We can smear it
Rapidly backwards and forwards: we call this
Greasing the tin. And rapidly backwards and forwards
The viewers are fumbling for biscuits and spilling their coffee:
They call it ruining the carpet.

They call it ruining the carpet. It is perfectly easy
If your mind is attempting to cope with the cookery expert
While your hands are engaged in juggling with saucers and plates
And trying meanwhile to secure a reasonable share
Of the cheese straws, which in our case we have not got:
For today we have Baking of Tarts.
 
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