|TWELVE DAYS OF (CAJUN) CHRISTMAS
Sent in by Janine Calder
Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear
tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Your letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got
was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille
an' made some gumbo out of dem.
Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem
I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to
Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayouan fed the tird one to
my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparing partners for
her fighting rooster.
Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux!
I tol' you no more friggin' birds. Deez four, what you call
dem "calling birds" wereso noisy you could hear dem all
de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps,
an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
You finally sen' somethin' useful. I like dem golden rings.
I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuff
money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for
da boys at de 'Raisin' Cane Lounge'. Merci Beaucoup!
Dear Boudreaux, Couchon!
Back to da birds, you Cajun turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux
is scared to
death at dem six geeses. He tried to eat dems
eggs and dey peck de heck out
ah his snout. Dey good at
eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of
dem wit orster
dressing on Christmas day.
I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau,
is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem
birds is stinkin' up his mailboat.
He afraid someone will
slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven
loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi
blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat
to deliver dem
eight maids a milkin' and their cows. One
of dem cows got spooked by da
alligators and almost tipped
over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids,
me no. I
tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweeping the shack
say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think
dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las' night.
What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher
carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping
across the bayou.
As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a
tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but
I says, "Well La Di Da. You get chicory coffee or nuttin'."
Mon Dieu, Emile. what I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey
too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip
You got to be outs your mind! If de mailman don't kill you,
I will fo' sure.
Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies
from Bourbon Street. Dey said
dey be 'Ladies Dancin' but
dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey
almos' left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin
da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute
le monde an had to get
toilet paper; the Sears catalog wasn't
good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords'
Where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your eleven pipers piping
from the House of Blues, second lining as
dey got off de boat. We fixed
snuffed goose and beef jambalaya
and we having a fais-do-do. Da new
mailman he having a good
time, yeah, dancing with de floozies. Thibeau
he jump off
de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you
get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open
I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no.
After da fais-do-do,
I spent de night with Jacque, de head
piper. We decide to open a restaurant
and gentleman's club
on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing,
make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters
an valet park
de boats. Since de maids doan have no more
cows ta milk, I trained dem ta
set my crab traps, watch
my trotlines, an run my shrimping business. We will probably
gross a million nex year.