THE BIG TALE OF HOO-FLUNG-MUD
Greatrex Newman (1981)
'Tis a Tale they tell in Shanghai,
At the Sign of the Scented Skunk;
'Tis a Tale they tell
Of a deed of hell,
In the wilds of Clapham Junc.
At the House of a Hundred Hiccoughs,
By the Gate of the Gilded Ghouls;
In a robe of blue
Sat Wun Lung Too,
At work on his Football Pools.
He'd a daughter named Chili Bom Bom,
Of pedigree Chinese blood;
And Wun Lung said
The girl must wed
The Mandarin Hoo Flung Mud.
But the laughing Chili Bom Bom
Had a secret boy-friend, Ben;
An affair discreet
(Told round the Fleet)
With Midshipman Brown, R.N.
They'd planned to elope together,
For they made an ideal match;
They'd hoped to bunk
On a Chinese junk,
Or hijack a yachtman's yatch.
'Tis a Tale they tell in Hong Kong,
At the Sign of the Unwashed Neck;
'Tis a yarn they spin
With a fiendish grin
In the Tea-House of Tooting Bec.
This night was the Feast of the Fowl-Pest,
At the Banquet of Bluest Blood;
And Wun Lung brought
His Bom Bom daught.,
And with her came Hoo Flung Mud.
They sat at the Tip-Top table,
According to pride of place;
And chopstick Chinks
Stood Wun Lung drinks,
And Hoo Flung Mud said grace.
Then crash went a window behind them,
And showing remarkable nerve -
Young sailor Brown
From the roof jumped down,
Right into a dish of hors d'oeuvre.
His strong arms seized his Bom Born,
And carried her out, alone;
He was, by gad,
Some hefty lad,
For she weighed nearly sixteen stone.
'Tis a Tale they tell in Foochow,
At the Sign of the Whispered Hush;
While Shepherds bright
Watch flocks by night
In the silence of Shepherds Bush.
With Bom Bom in his arms, he ran
Down the Street of the Swiping Sword;
But in pursuit
Ben heard the `toot'
Of a second-hand Chinese Ford.
They knew 'twas the car of Hoo Flung Mud,
And he drove like a fiend of hell;
'Twas a race for life
For he'd brought his knife...
And his fork and spoon as well.
The car was nearly upon them now,
But Ben had a sailor's wits
With one mad whirl
He flung the girl...
And her weight crushed the car to bits.
Then he picked his Bom Bom from the wreck,
(She seemed just a shade concussed),
With a dark red mark
From the plugs that spark,
And a number-plate on her bust.
'Tis a Tale they tell in Peckham,
At the Sign of the Pye Hi-Fi;
With whispered word
Of what occurred
When Comin' thro' the Rye.
Then Chinese Wedding Bells ting-ling,
For Bom Bom, Queen of Vamps;
Her Dad gave Ben
Ten thousand yen,
And twenty-five Green Stamps.
For dangerous driving - Hoo Flung Mud
Got fifteen years in clink;
And Ben... outside
With fist, black-eyed
The Green Eye of the Little Yellow Chink.