TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
(Re-Examined in Light of Competition)
|Global challenges require the North Pole to continue
to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve
Days of Christmas" subsidiary.
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced
by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply
not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the
working hours could not be condoned. The positions are,
The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually
expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability
study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely
profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide
employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice
mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is
underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how
often and how long they talked. Once this information is
determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs
of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board
of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a
mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production
rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their
decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and
an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel
Department will assure management that from now on every
goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen
in better times. Their function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been
under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance
in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation
of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring,
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
function will be phased out as these individuals grow older
and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that
the company policy prohibits age discrimination. Should
these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary
retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure
an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit.
Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords
plus the expense of international air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with
ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be
somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due
to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a
string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will
produce savings to the bottom line.
Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate
that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.
If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved
and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of