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Miss
Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge
in a pear tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't
have been more surprised. You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986
Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
"Two turtle doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful
gift. They are adorable and I love you for them.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest.
I don't deserve such generosity as "Three French hens."
They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too
kind.
Love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough?
You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden
rings"; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but
I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning
to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out
onto the front porch and there were "Six geese a laying"
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again - huh?
Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I
love your thoughtfulness, but - Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986
Fred,
What's with you and those f***ing birds??? Today I received
"Seven swans a swimming." What kind of a goddamn joke is
this? These birds s*** all over the house and they never
stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. Stop your laughing damn you! It's
not funny. Just knock it off with those f***ing birds, OK?????
Sincerely,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to
do with "Eight maids a milking??" It's not enough with all
those birds and the 8 maids milking, but they had to bring
their goddamn cows! There is s*** all over the lawn and
I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986
Hey S***head,
What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine
pipers playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped
chasing those maids since they've arrived this morning.
The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
the screeching f***ing birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbours have already started a petition to have
me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986
You Rotten P****,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing??" I can't imagine
why I call these sluts "ladies." They've been balling the
pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and all
the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhoea.
My living room is a river of s***! The Commissioner of Buildings.
has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should
not be condemned!
I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!
One who means it!!!
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986
Listen F***head,
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids
and ladies??? Some of these poor broads will never walk
again. The pipers ravaged the maids, gang-banged the ladies,
and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23 birds
are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumbs***,
Agnes
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Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers
fiddling" which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the
destruction of her property was total. You are advised that
all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office. I feel compelled to warn you that if
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanatorium, the attendants of that institution have instructions
to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached
a warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings,
J. Frank Cahole Attorney
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