ODE TO WESTMINSTER
as recited by
The Rt. Hon. Denis Healey MP
There's a reet famous place called Westminster,
That's noted for hot air and fun.
And Mr. and Mrs Heseltine,
Went there wi' young Michael, their son.
A grand little lad was young Michael,
In 'is flack jacket, 'e looked a swell,
' e'd a dinky new toy helicopter,
The finest that Westland's could sell.
Well, they didn't think much to the speeches,
The questions was fiddling and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drowneded...
In fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.
So seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the zoo,
Where they'd Leons and Lawsons and Tebbits
And Fowlers and Parkinsons, too.
There were one great big Leon called Brittan,
His nose were all covered in scars.
He lay in a somnulent posture,
With the side of his face on the bars.
Now Michael had 'eard about Leon,
'ow he were ferocious and wild,
And to see Leon lying so peaceful
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.
So straigh'way the brave little fella,
Without showin' a morsel of fear,
Took 'is dinky new toy helicopter...
And stuck it right in Leon's ear!
You could see that Leon didn't like it,
For giving a kind of a roll,
'E pulled Michael inside cage wi' 'im
And swallowed the little lad whole!
Well, the Prime Minister 'ad to be sent for,
She came and she said "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon Leon's ate Michael...
And 'im in 'is flack jacket, too.
The Prime Minister wanted no bother,
She took out 'er purse, rightaway,
Saying, "How much to settle the matter?"
Pa said, "What d'ya usually pay?"
But mother 'ad turned a bit awkward,
When she thought were 'er Michael 'ad gone,
She said, "Someone's got to be summonsed...
And that was decided upon.
So they complained to t'Defence Committee...
But the witnesses called, never came,
And the chairman, 'e gave 'is opinion...
That no-one was really to blame.
At that, mother got proper blazin'...
"And thank you sir, kindly!" said she,
"What!!!... spend all our lives raising Michaels,
To feed ruddy Leons... NOT ME!!!"