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'ERBERT
AND THE ELECTRICITY
by
Paul Gerard Smith
Performed by Pat O'Malley (The Lancashire Lad)
ILLUSTRATION BY GEORGE PRICE
No doubt you recall the Pinwinkles
And their son little 'Erbert, the fiend
Who 'ad made their lives one long disaster
From the moment that 'e 'ad been weaned.
For years they 'ad puzzled and fretted
And plotted and cudgeled their brains
For a way to get rid of their 'Erbert
Without getting 'ung for their pains.
One day Father got an idea:
"This will do it," 'e said to 'is spouse,
"I've arrived at the answer to all of our prayers:
'Ow to get rid of 'Erbert, the lou... our son.
"They're building a dam in the valley
With 'igh tension wires all about,
And if 'Erbert should 'appen to grab one of them
It will jolt 'im to jelly, no doubt."
So they packed up a neat picnic luncheon,
And they sang when they thought of the fun.
They took with them a second 'and blanket
To wrap 'Erbert up in, when done.
Then they made 'im drink plenty of water
And filled up 'is pockets with steel,
And, to be doubly sure, they got both 'is shoes
And pried off the thick rubber 'eel.
"Ere's the place for a picnic," said Father,
As 'e set the lunch down on the ground
In the shade of a tall sort of skeleton tower
With a 'igh 'eavy fence all around.
With a wink Father whispered to Mother,
"See the signboard: "High Voltage - Keep Out."'
Mother felt of the fence, and she said with a sigh,
"'It's a shame that the wire is so stout."
Father picked up an orange and tossed it;
"'Ere, catch that young 'Erbert," 'e cried.
But instead of it landing in young 'Erbert's 'ands
It went over the fence, and inside.
"Go on, fetch it," said Father to 'Erbert.
"Up-over you go... now that's fine."
Mother reached for the teapot and said, `ere you are!'
Pa said, "Two lumps of sugar in mine."
Now 'Erbert inside the enclosure
Found the orange without much ado,
Then 'is eye spied a bright shiny 'andle,
And 'e thought, 'I'll take that along, too."
So boylike 'e reached out and grabbed it,
For a moment excitement was tense.
Father said, as 'e saw 'Erbert lashing about,
'I 'ope 'e don't ruin the fence."
There were flashes of lightning and thunder,
And crackling noises were 'eard;
Then something gave way... Erbert flew through the air,
And lit at their feet like a bird.
"See, 'is face is all purple," said Mother,
Said Father, "Now Ma, no remarks."
But Ma said, `E looks odd without eyebrows,
And 'is nostrils is giving off sparks."
They wrapped 'Erbert up in the blanket,
And 'urried 'im 'ome right away.
Pa said, 'Well, at least there's one comfort,
We'll 'ave no more insurance to pay."
But when they untangled the blanket,
And rolled 'Erbert out from beneath,
'E was 'appy and gay, and bright as a jay,
And was lighting cigars on 'is teeth.
In despair Father said, "Look 'ere, Mother,
I thought 'e were dead, but 'e's not!"
Mother reached out 'er 'and, touched 'is 'ead, and then shrieked
"'Eeh! I must say, 'e's terribly 'ot."
Well, old Pinwinkle was disappointed,
But 'e wasn't the one to be beat.
'E said, "Look, Mother, I've got a gradely idea,
We'll use 'im for power and 'eat."
So they rented 'Erb out to the neighbors
At one shilling per kilowatt hour,
Some used 'im for vacuum cleaning,
Some used 'im for light... some for power.
'E'd a gap in 'is front teeth, 'ad 'Erbert,
And by shoving a plug in between,
You could make buttered toast, or fry up an egg,
Or run a large washing machine.
By sticking a plug in 'is nostril,
'E'd keep ice boxes cold as a tomb,
And by sticking a light bulb most any old place
'E'd light up a conference room.
Well the Pinwinkles both was delighted,
The money was coming in fast.
Then one day it 'appened, Pa said with a sigh,
"I knew it was too good to last."
A movie star came to the village
To pose for the Cinema News
They wanted 'er picture with 'Erbert's
She Kissed 'im... and blew out 'is fuse.
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