'ERBERT GOES TO THE RACES
written by Paul Gerard Smith
performed by
Pat O'Malley
One morning, Mother said, "Father, 
You must get rid of 'Erb for the day, 
If I 'ave 'im round me for five minutes more 
I'm afraid that my mind will give way."

"But where will I take 'im?" said Father. 
"Wot will I do with the kid? 
All over town the police 'ave put signs 
'Dogs and 'Erbert is strictly forbid.' "

Then chancing to glance through the paper,
Mother said, "I think I've found a way. 
You can bundle 'im off to the race track, 
They are running the Derby today.

"Let 'im play round with the 'orses 
And pick out a 'orse that can kick, 
Buy 'im a 'amburger sandwich
One of them ought to settle 'im quick."

So Father took 'Erb to the race track 
With a 'eart that was 'eavy as stone, 
And all the way down 'e kept figuring out 
'Ow to lose 'im and come 'ome alone.

Everyone at the track was excited and tense, 
But Father was sullen and grim 
Until 'e spied a dapper young chap named Malloy 
'Oo worked in the office with 'im.

This Malloy was a bit of a sportsman 
And 'e whispered in Pinwinkle's ear, 
"If you're going to bet on the Derby 
Lay your money on Queen Guinevere."

"I know that she isn't the fav'rite 
And she's running at twenty to one, 
But if she doesn't win it is simply because 
Something 'appens that she doesn't run."

Now, Father, though thrifty and cautious 
Could not resist odds such as those, 
So 'e wrenched two pounds out of 'is wallet 
And laid it on Guinevere's nose.

Now scarce 'ad 'e picked up 'is ticket 
When again Malloy 'ove into sight 
"Don't bet upon Queen Guinevere," said Malloy 
She 'asn't a chance... Smiley's tight.

"Smiley, y' see, is 'er jockey 
'E's the only one she understands, 
Anyone 'oo approaches 'er she kicks to death, 
But she's putty in young Smiley's 'ands.

"There ain't nobody 'oo can go near 'er, 
There ain't nothink nobody can do, 
She's a four-legged devil till Smiley shows up, 
And Smiley's been took stinkeroo."

The shock of these words stopped old Pinwinkle short
'E was just like a man made of wood. 
'E looked at 'is ticket, and then looked at 'Erb 
And neither look did 'im much good.

Then suddenly 'Erb said, "You leave it to me, 
I ain't scared of no 'orse ever built; 
Just point out the stall." But Malloy quickly said, 
"Don't go near that 'orse, you'll be kilt!"

Then Father Pinwinkle turned quick to Malloy, 
"Let 'im go if 'e wants to," 'e said. 
"I 'ate to lose money, but if I lose 'Erb, 
At least I'll be that much ahead."

So 'Erb disappeared in a 'ole in the fence 
And Pinwinkle said with a sigh 
"'Is Ma will be glad when I tell 'er the news, 
Let's go watch the 'orses go by."

They elbowed their way through the crowd to the rail 
And looking away down the track; 
They saw Guinevere was lined up with the rest 
And young 'Erb was on Guinevere's back.

Well, Father was stoned, so 'e closed both 'is eyes 
And opened them after a while 
To see young 'Erb whisper in Guinevere's ear, 
And the 'orse answered back with a smile.

"They're off!..." people shouted, and forward they sprang
That is... all except Guinevere; 
Then again 'Erb leaned forward and quite nonchalant
Whispered something in Guinevere's ear.

The 'orse merely nodded and let out a snort 
And suddenly started to run, 
And she 'went by so fast that old Pinwinkle thought 
She was somethink shot out of a gun.

When she reached the quarter, the rest of the pack 
Was at least a 'alf mile up ahead, 
But 'Erbert leaned forward and whispered again 
And she passed them as though they were dead.

She came into the stretch doing ninety an hour, 
She finished the winner and then... 
She kept right on going like mad round the track
Passed the others and finished again.

Again she went round and again passed the rest, 
And I give you my solemnest word 
She finished again seven lengths out in front 
So she came in first, second, and third.

Pinwinkle collected at ninety to one 
Oh he was excited no end, 
'E reached down and patted young 'Erbert, 'is son,
And gave 'im a tuppence to spend.

The rest of the spectators gathered round 'Erb 
To find out just wot 'e 'ad said 
To make the 'orse Guinevere do what she did
But 'Erb merely blushed very red.

"It was nothink at all," was 'is modest reply, 
"'Twas as simple as simple could be. 
I understand 'orses... they understand me 
We speak the same language, you see."

Then Father stepped up with a satisfied grunt 
And said, "It's just a matter of course. 
It proves the suspicion that I've always 'ad
That 'Erbie is part of a 'orse."
The end