THE NEAR-SIGHTED UNCLE
by
Paul Gerard Smith
performed by Pat O'Malley
(The Lancashire Lad)


ILLUSTRATION BY GEORGE PRICE

I've told you of Mr. Pinwinkle
And Mrs. Pinwinkle, 'is spouse,
An time and again I 'ave mentioned the name
Of their son, little 'Erbert... the louse.

The Pinwinkle clan was quite famous,
There was grandmothers, uncles and aunts,
'Erb's father was proud of a number of them,
But the others 'e looked at askance.

One or two brothers were bishops
While some lived in asylums or jails,
And some made folk wonder 'ow long it 'ad been
Since they swung from a tree by their tails.

But the Uncle in question was Robert,
A rather anonymous sort,
'E was just a bit small to be tallish
And just a bit tall to be short.

'E was one of those average duffers
'Oo don't expect much out of life,
All 'e asked for was three meals a day and a job
And when 'e was ready, a wife.

There was only one drawback to Robert:
'E wos chuck full of vigor and vim,
But 'is eyes was a bit out of focus
And 'is outlook was 'azy and dim.

A forest to 'im was a nosegay,
And a saucer of tea was a lake,
And 'e once killed a 'orse for a beetle
Which to 'im was a normal mistake.

It made 'im feel very self conscious,
Though 'e tried to act devil-may-care
When 'e'd say "toodle-oo" and pop off through a door
And then find out the door wasn't there.

But 'e managed to live through it some'ow,
And smiled through 'is tears, so to speak,
And then one day 'e met Arabella
'Oo was eighteen and willing and weak.

Robert knew right away fate 'ad sent 'er
She was all that 'e'd been thinking of,
'E walked round in more of a daze than before
For the poor silly ass was in love.

Arabella was one of those women
'Oo looked for perfection in men.
If she found one flaw in the man of 'er choice
She chucked 'im and tried it again.

And strange as it seems, Uncle Robert
'Ad all of the traits she admired:
'E could rhumba and conga along with the best,
And seldom, if ever, got tired.

'E wos neat in appearance, chose neckties with care,
'E wos 'ealthy, athletic and tanned,
'E could play a mouth organ and yodel a bit,
Wot more could a woman demand?

But Robert 'ad qualms, 'e knew down in 'is 'eart
That a crisis was coming some day
When 'e'd reach out to kiss 'er, and then, by mistake,
iss a 'orse that was nine miles away.

So after much study, 'e 'it on a scheme
To convince Arabella, Bah Goom,
That 'is eyesight compared wi' the strongest and best
In fact, it was better than soom.

So, one bank 'oliday, 'e took 'er for a stroll
Where the country was vacant and bare
With nothing at all for a person to see
Except for a shroob here and there.

'Twas a place 'e 'ad stoodied, without telling 'er
Till 'e knew every 'ummock and stone,
The road ran right 'ere, and some two miles off there
An ellum tree stood... all alone.

Robert measured the distance and counted 'is steps
And put sticks out to point at the tree
So by just looking down 'e knew just where 'e wos
Wherever 'e 'appened to be.

So, as with Arabella 'e walked down the road
'E suddenly stopped in midflight
And said with an elegant sweep of 'is arm,
"That tree is a wonderful sight."

Arabella looked up, then she looked up again
And said, "Where do you see a tree?"
"Everywhere that I look it's as flat as me 'and
There is nothink, but nothink to see."

Robert pointed 'is 'and in a fatherly way
"That stately old elm," 'e replied.
"There's a rosebush beneath it, and Lord bless my soul
There's a pin sticking right in its side."

Arabella was staggered. "Can you see a pin?"
She inquired, almost ready to bust.
"I can," answered Robert. "It's stook in the tree
And it's bent, and it's starting to rust."

"I joost can't believe it," she said in a daze
But Robert went on with a grin,
"There's a tree there all right, and to prove it to you
I'll run over and bring back the pin."

With a hop, skip and jump 'e set out for the tree
A surge of success in 'is 'eart,
For 'e knew with this proof Arabella was 'is
There was nothink could keep them apart.

'E ran like the wind for ten paces or so
And 'e'd 'ave been married by now,
And 'Erb might 'ave 'ad a young cousin or two,
If 'e 'adn't tripped over a cow.