'ERBERT PINWINKLE
written by Paul Gerard Smith
performed by
Pat O'Malley
Now Mr. and Mrs. Pinwinkle 
'Ad 'eard about Ramsbottoms, 'oo 
'Ad their son Albert swallowed by t'lion 
One day up at Blackpool, in t' zoo.

Pa wanted to know 'ow they did it, 
And what manager offered to pay. 
"It seems that there's money in lions;
We might take our 'Erbert some day."

Now 'e'd twice tried to drown master 'Erbert,
But someow the lad wouldn't sink, 
And 'e couldn't try anything messy, 
For fear of what neighbors might think.

This 'Erb was a 'oly young terror, 
There was nowt that that lad wouldn't do: 
One day 'e burnt 'oles in 'is sister 
With a poker... to let daylight through.

And 'e laughed when 'is mother said, "'Erbert, 
You mustn't do that to Kathleen; 
And take Pussy off fire this instant!" 
Then Father appeared on the scene.

When 'e saw what 'Erb 'ad been doing, 
And 'eard Kathleen screaming like mad, 
With Pussycat running 'round smoking, 
'E said, "Now you've torn it, me lad"

'Cos 'e'd won that there cat in a raffle, 
A pure blooded Persian she were. 
And e'd 'oped to take prizes at cat show
Now she couldn't without any fur.

So they set off for Blackpool next morning, 
'Twere a fine day with no sign o' rain; 
Bought a stick with an 'orses 'ead 'andle, 
For 'Erbert on t'way to the train. 

Then they told 'im 'e mustn't poke lion, 
Like some people did for a joke, 
And when 'e just laughed, they were pleased like, 
Now they knew 'e'd be certain to poke.

Then Father went off to buy tickets, 
Adult return fares for two, 
But just a 'alf single for 'Erbert, 
'Oo was going to stay on at the zoo.

They got to Blackpool in an hour, 
Going straight to the zoo, as Ma said; 
But when 'e 'eard t' lions a roaring 
Young 'Erbert 'e rushed on ahead.

Now 'e remembered 'e mustn't poke lions, 
But 'is parents 'ad not told 'im why, 
So the stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle, 
'E poked right in Wallace's eye. 

Old Wallace 'e jumped up intending 
To frighten young 'Erb with a roar, 
But 'Erbert just kicked 'im in t'stomach, 
And shouted "Eeh! do it some more!"

This wasn't what Wallace expected, 
And a pained look came over 'is face, 
Which deepened as 'Erbert Pinwinkle 
Kicked 'im twice in the very same place.

Then with stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle, 
'E whacked Wallace hard on the leg, 
And backed 'im up into t'far corner, 
And told 'im to sit up and beg.

Wallace was no good at begging, 
'E'd never been told to before, 
But now t'stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle, 
Came down on 'is nose, which was sore. 

Poor old Wallace thought 'e'd 'ad sufficient, 
What with stick and with copper-toed boots, 
So 'e started to go, but found 'Erbert 
Was pulling 'is tail out by t'roots.

The pain was so dreadful that Wallace, 
At last in despair, turned at bay, 
But seeing young 'Erb still advancing, 
Gave a howl and just fainted away.

Outside on the bench, the Pinwinkles 
'Ad 'eard that first dreadful loud roar. 
Ma said, "That's the end of poor 'Erbert," 
And Pa said, "I'll go in and make sure."

So 'e started in looking quite 'appy, 
When the manager came up and said, 
"Is your name Pinwinkle?" Pa answered, 
"Don't tell me our poor 'Erbert's dead."

"Dead nothing," the man answered rudely. 
"'E's gone off with policeman to jail. 
'E's ruined our lion called Wallace, 
And he's made off with Wallace's tail."

Next day in police court at Blackpool, 
The magistrate looked down and said, 
"The parents of this boy Pinwinkle, 
Will stand up to hear sentence read.

"This lad has been tried and found guilty, 
But the parents, of course, are to blame.
For disturbing the peace-forty shillings, 
And assaulting a policeman-the same.

"Three pounds you are fined for detaching,
Detaining and taking away,
The tail of this lion, called Wallace,
And then furthermore you must pay

"Five pounds and all costs and charges 
Of the court, and it's quite right you should, 
For tempting this lion called Wallace, 
With meat that was not fit for food."
The end