Father gave 'im a look that would curdle whipped cream
And reached out 'is 'and for an axe.
Mother said, "Put it down... and you should feel ashamed
The boy's merely stating the facts."

The minister came round to see them one night,
And young 'Erbert answered the door
"Glad to see me, young 'Erbert?" the minister asked
And 'Erb merely answered, "What for?

"Ma says you're a bother each time that you come,
And Pa says you're dead on your feet,
And the cook says the sermons you've been dishing out
Ain't worth 'alf the beans that you eat."

"Well that settles that," Father said with a groan,
"Something's got to be done without fail.
If 'Erb tells the truth about each thing 'e sees
We'll be rode out of town on a rail."

But Mother said, "Nonsense, the truth never 'urts,
If they can't face the facts, let 'em squirm.
I'd rather 'ave 'Erbert a truthful young lad
Than a sly and deceitful young worm."

The neighbors shied off from the Pinwinkle house
And never dropped in for a chat,
For 'Erbert told thin men that they were too thin
And fat women they were too fat.

One day the phone rang and Pa answered it quick
And listened, and 'ung up when through;
Then 'e said, "I think I shall run down to the club,
That is, if it's all right with you."

Mother said, "It's all right," and then 'Erbert walked in
And said, "I listened in on, the phone,
And it that was the club, then the club has a voice
With a definite feminine tone."

When Father recovered from Mother's left 'ook
'E said, "'Erbie, I'm proud of you, lad.
We're going out in the back for an 'eart to 'eart talk
Now where is that bed slat I 'ad?"

When they got to the woodshed, old Pinwinkle said,
"I'll teach you a new sort of game,
Bend over and pick up that tupenny piece."
'Erb did, and was sorry 'e came.

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