'ERBERT THE HERO
by
J. Wallace

Performed by Pat O'Malley (The Lancashire Lad)


ILLUSTRATION BY GEORGE PRICE

You've heard of young 'Erbert Pinwinkle
Who was taken by parents to zoo,
Where 'e pulled off the tail of the lion,
A thing that no good boy would do.

And Mr. and Mrs. Pinwinkle
Were summonsed and made to Pay fine,
Because of their son's misbehavior
It amounted to fourteen pounds nine.

When they got 'ome, Pinwinkle was fuming
And it made 'im no better to 'ear
That the mayor's son, same age as 'Erbert,
'Ad been kidnapped. Said Father: "It's clear...

"Some people are born to be lucky
And others... well, just look at us!
They might just as well 'ave took 'Erbert,
And we wouldn't 'ave made all this fuss."

"We may as well drop 'is insurance,
It's no use to us with 'im here,
But that fifteen pound would come in 'andy,
And leave us eleven bob clear."

"Just a moment," says Father, quite thoughtful,
"I've just been and got an idea!
You know that old coal mine past Polton
That 'asn't been worked for a year?

"Well, I'll buy that young 'orror an airgun,
'E wouldn't come with me without.)
And we'll both go out there to shoot rabbits,
And 'Erbert might fall in-no doubt!

"I'll tell 'im about the old mine-shaft,
And warn 'im 'e mustn't go near,
Like we did with the lion at Blackpool
But 'e'll disobey me, I fear."

"Poor'Erbert! We'll miss 'im," said Mother,
"'Course, we'll 'ave the insurance instead;
It won't be the same 'ouse without 'im.,
But, be sure that 'e lands on 'is 'ead!"

So, next day they set off together,
Pinwinkle, and 'Erbert, 'is son,
And both of them 'oped to bag something,
One with mine-shaft and t'other with gun.

At 'ome Mother shook 'er 'ead glumly,
Though she tried 'ard to 'ope for the best,
For she knew well that no bloody mine-shaft
Could set 'Erb and their minds both at rest.

Along about five, back came Father,
Of 'is young son there wasn't a sign!
Said Mother, quite 'opeful, "Where's 'Erbert?"
Said Father, `E fell down the mine!"

"Oh, dear, dear!" said Mother, much brighter,
"If 'e's gone, there's no use to make fuss.
Sit down, I've the tea on the table,
There's a nice pair of kippers for us."

Next day, the man from insurance,
Called round at the 'ouse about nine,
And says 'e, "Your son, 'Erbert Pinwinkle
Is, so 'am told, down a mine."

"That is sad, very sad," 'e continued,
"There is only one thing left to do."
('Ere 'e pulled out a big bag of money)
"There's fifteen pound coming to you.'

Just then all the church bells start ringing,
And cannon went bang! by the score,
With motor cars 'ooting and 'onking,
So they rushed to the window and saw...

A great big procession was coming,
With everyone cheering like mad,
And there, in a carriage with Mayor
Was 'Erbert Pinwinkle, their lad!

Then neighbor shouts up `Ere, Pinwinkle,
'Ave you 'eard what your 'Erbert 'as done?
'E climbed down the mine-shaft past Polton,
And fetched up the mayor's kidnapped son.

'They'd 'idden 'im down there for safety,
But 'Erbert, 'e 'ad an idea,
So 'e crawled down the mine-shaft with airgun,
And shot the kidnapper in ear.

"Then 'e brings the lad back to 'is father,
Who thanks 'im for what 'e 'as done,
And we're all getting up a subscription
For 'Erbert, the 'ero... your son.

"It's not to be touched till 'e's twenty,
'E'll 'ave a nice sum, I'll be bound,
And mayor says 'e thinks you should start it,
So 'e's putting you down for five pound!"