'ERBERT THE INVALID
by
Paul Gerard Smith

Performed by Pat O'Malley (The Lancashire Lad)

Along towards the end of the summer
All was peace at the Pinwinkle place,
For 'Erb was confined to 'is boudoir
With little red dots on 'is face.

The Pinwinkles summonsed a doctor
Whose record was known far and wide,
For of forty-four patients 'e'd treated
All forty-four patients 'ad died.

They felt, with 'is able assistance
Young 'Erb couldn't pull through alive,
As, with forty-four straight to 'is credit
'E would try for a straight forty-five.

They paid 'im a shilling a visit,
And, tho they begroodged every cent,
If the doctor's luck only 'eld out with young 'Erb
They considered it money well spent.

"'E's upstairs," said Pa to the doctor
"'E's now in your 'ands... do your best."
"I shall," said the doctor, "do unto your 'Erb
As I've done unto all of the rest,"

"That's that," said Mother Pinwinkle.
Pa replied with a wink and a laugh,
"You said it old girl, all we've got to do now
Is think up a good epitaph."

"Now, Father," said Mother, "remember,
Our duties we mustn't neglect.
An occasion like this is a red letter day
There are certain things people expect.

"As soon. as the folks learn of 'Erbert
And discover 'e's well on 'is way,
They'll 'ang flags out all of the windows
And close up their shops for the day.

"You get busy and make some sandwiches,
I'll get busy and whip up a cake,
Well 'ave to 'ave cheese, pickled pigs' feet and beer,
I expect a big crowd to the wake."

'Bah Goom, thou'rt right," answered Father
"The finish of 'Erbie, our son,
Is a day that comes once in a lifetime,
And we've got to go 'ole 'og or none.

"As parents we must do our duty,
It's a penalty parents must pay,
And we'll give little 'Erbie a sendoff
Much bigger than Armistice Day!'

So Father went down to the village
And spread the good word all about,
And detailed some folk to stand by and ring bells
And others to stand by and shout.

'E arranged a parade led by bandsmen
All dressed up in bright crimson coats;
Be'ind them came two dozen 'orses,
Be'ind them came three dozen floats.

Then came the rest of the village
Dressed up in their best coats and 'ats,
Then the mayor and city officials
And then came the stray dogs and cats.

And when the parading was over
A concert and vaudeville show
Would. be 'eld in a grove by the river
And all were invited to go.

There'd be games and community singing
And all of it free as the skies
To be followed by one minute's silence
In honor of 'Erbert's demise.

When arrangements were all consummated
'E 'urried back 'ome in a sweat
And inquired of 'is wife, "Is it over?"
But she only answered, "Not yet!"

In the kitchen they waited impatient
For the doctor to bring the good news
"Stop walking," said Mother to Father
"Sit down or you'lI wear out your shoes."

"I'm too nervous to sit," answered Father
"This waiting around isn't fun
We're paying this doctor for service
Let's go up and see what 'e's done."

So up they tiptoed to the bedroom
And quietly opened the door
To find their young 'Erbie was laughing with glee
And the doctor was pacing the floor.

'E stopped in 'is tracks when they entered
And shouted, "Now look what you've done."
And they saw that 'is face was all full of red dots
The same as young 'Erbie, their son.

"'Erb's give 'im the measles," said Mother,
"It's too bad they both 'ave to die."
Father stretched out 'is 'and to the doctor
And said, "We are grateful... good bye."

"Don't be silly," the poor doctor shouted
"Who ever saw measles like these?
That fool son of yours has a dog in the bed
That is well populated with fleas."

'E won't die," said the doc, "but I'Il suffer
If I get my 'ands on a switch
I come 'ere to do you a kindness
And now I end up with the itch!'

Well the Pinwinkles was disappointed
'Twas a 'eartbreaking blow, no mistake
To 'ave to call back invitations
They 'ad sent out to young 'Erbert's wake.

So 'Erbie went right back to normal
Filled with pep and original sin,
'E mixed Epsom salts in the sugar
And poured kerosene in the gin.

The villagers tried to avoid 'im
And wished 'e 'ad never been 'atched
For wherever 'e went with his flea bitten dog
People broke out with red dots... and scratched.