SAM SMALL M.D.
written by Paul Gerard Smith
performed by
Pat O'Malley
Now, General 'Orate Fitz Morris McCoy 
Was proud of 'is personal charm, 
A freckle, a 'angnail, a 'air out of place 
To 'im was a cause for alarm.

For 'e loved the ladies, the ladies loved 'im,
And 'e wanted to keep it that way,
And for personal beauty, good clothes and good 'ealth 
There was nothink that 'e wouldn't pay.

One week-end 'e woke up a bubble of joy,
'E sang as 'e dunked in 'is tub,
For 'e'd been invited to spend the week-end 
At the 'ome of the Countess of Chubb.

'E put on 'is undies, 'e pulled on 'is socks
'Is trousis and best scarlet coat,
And tidied 'is 'air and 'is mustache, 
and stood In front of the mirror to gloat.

Then all of a sudden 'e stifled a scream
At the sight of the tinest speck,
For 'e knew in 'is 'eart that the speck was the start 
Of a boil on the back of 'is neck.

For General 'Orace Fitz Morris McCoy
Knew well that the opposite sex
Would 'ave their affections for sojers dispelled 
By boils on the backs of their necks.

'E summoned the Sergeant. "Now, Sergeant," 'e said, 
"Although I look sturdy and strong 
And fit as a fiddle, and neat as a pin 
The rear of my neck 'as gone wrong.

"There's a bit of a pimple 'as sprung into life 
At the point where my collar band rubs
Go summon a doctor, and make 'aste, I pray, 
I'm due at the Countess of Chubb's."

So the Sergeant went down to the medical room 
And was taken aback quite a bit, 
For the doc by mistake 'ad took two of 'is pills 
And was now in the throes of a fit.

'Ere was a dilemma. Fitz Morris McCoy
'Oo was not very calm at 'is best
Became 'ighly incensed. "That's torn it," 'e cried 
'Asn't someone somethink to suggest?"

"I 'ave an idea," the Sergeant replied,
"We could try. While there's life there is 'ope. 
When I was a kid, mother conquered a boil 
By a poultice of breadcrumbs and soap."

So they sent for some soap and a yesterday's bun 
And mixed them according to Hoyle, 
And applied the disgoosting and odorous mess 
Smack dab on the General's boil.

They waited a bit for the poultice to dry 
"'Old tight," Sergeant said, "'ere she comes." 
But the only result that the General got 
Was 'is pants full of soap chips and crumbs.

So the General lined the men up on parade 
Explaining 'is plight to them all.
And 'oo do you think was the man that stepped forth? 
You guessed it... none else than Sam Small.

Sam remembered 'is mother 'ad cured boils on 'im 
By 'eating a bottle red 'ot. 
Then she'd empty the bottle, then she'd apply 
The bottleneck over the spot.

Whereupon 'e would let out a bloodcurdling yell 
And 'is 'ead filled with fireworks and wheels, 
For the 'ot bottle took the boil out by the roots, 
And the roots ran right down to 'is 'eels.

So Sam found a bottle that 'eld 'arf an ounce,
'E knew it would not do at all.
It was all right for privates and sergeants and such 
But for Generals it was too small.

Then 'e found a pint bottle, and then found a quart 
But 'e tossed them aside with the rest 
For a General's very important, you know, 
'E rates what is largest and best.

Sam was at a loss until 'e chanced to spy
The beautiful five-gallon flask
That dispensed distilled water for sojers to drink
Now what more could anyone ask?

So 'e 'eated it up as 'e'd seen mother do
And said, "General, let's get to work.
The 'ot bottle cure is quite painless you know, 
Just one sharp, but definite jerk."

McCoy said, "I'll chance it," and bent down 'is 'ead 
Indicating the sore spot to Sam. 
Sam slammed on the bottle. 
The General's scream Was 'eard as far as Siam.

For something went wrong; Sam 'ad not figured on 
The sooction 'is bottle would make; 
But when 'e saw the General's 'ead pop inside 
'E knew 'e 'ad made a mistake.

Sam, quick as a wink, grabbed McCoy by the 'eels 
And pulled, but the harder 'e tried 
McCoy folded up like a wet weary towel 
And was sucked like an oyster inside.

'Twas all very sudden, one moment McCoy 
'Ad been standing right there beside Sam;
It gave Sam quite a start to see 'Orate McCoy 
All bottled up neatly, like jam.

Well, Sam was discouraged, but what could 'e do? 
'E carried it through like a man, 
'E wended 'is way to the Countess of Chubb 
Rang the bell, dropped the bottle and ran.

The Countess of Chubb, when she answered the bell 
Saw a large bottle out on the grass 
And she fainted away when she saw that McCoy 
Was smiling at 'er through the glass.

And to this very day all the sojers salute
A bottle that stands on a shelf
And Sam Small is gone. 'E's some place far away 
Feeling very ashamed of 'imself.
The end