"Let's 'ave your passport," said the man. Said Sam, "Let's 'ave my wot?
A passport is one of the million things I 'aven't got."
Then 'e started in explaining things, 'e talked an hour or so,
But the man just said, "No passport? Very well, then-out you go!"

They 'ustled Sam aboard a ship, 'e left the shore be'ind,
'Is mind was on 'is stomach and 'is stomach on 'is mind.
They tossed and pitched and pitched and tossed and tossed and pitched and tossed.
To some it was a pleasure trip, to Sam a 'olocaust.

They reached the other side and as Sam wobbled down the plank,
A man stepped up and said, "Are you a Briton or a Yank?"
Sam said, "I am a Briton, I'm a sojer of John Bull."
The man just closed 'is book and said, "Go back, your quota's full."

So back aboard the ship went Sam, and once again set sail
Sam spent the entire voyage leaning empty on the rail
'E was starving so 'e thought 'e'd try a little pot of tea,
'E took one sip and tossed the rest directly in the sea.

They reached the other side; some'ow Sam weathered out the storm
And standing on the pier 'e saw two men in uniform.
"We are looking," they informed 'im, "for a sojer named Sam Small,
'E went Absent Without Leave, the Sergeant's grim about it all.

"Desertion from the Army is a crime, and so you see
When Sam comes 'ome the Sergeant's going to 'ang 'im to a tree."
Sam never said a word at all, 'e went into reverse
A life upon the sea was bad, but 'anging could be worse.

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